Fucking Violent: Mixed Martial Arts — The Gay Porn Thunderdome

It’s all about two musclebound men in an enclosed space going off on each other.

At any given time, it features a line-up of talent boasting monikers like Ian Loveland, Maximo Blanco, Brock Lesnar, and Nick Catone.

It culminates with one guy bukkaked in body fluid to the glee of a wildly appreciative audience.

It’s not gay porn, though.

It’s Mixed Martial Arts.

I can’t lie to you. On the scale of butch vs. femme gayness, I think of myself as a seven or eight in favor of the former. I’m male identified, have only four pairs of shoes, never use the word “summer” as a verb, and I don’t even have to do anything to attract a woman’s attention. However, the fact that I have never followed a sport or actually sat down to watch an event surely knocks me down the scale a bit, and I could give a fuck about that. Boooooring!

So if you’re like me, you probably have never even thought about what goes in an Ultimate Fighting match — basically, a human cockfight in which I presume you score by doing a good front punch or knee kick or something — outside of the fact that it boasts a roster of ridiculously hot men pounding each other out until one finally gives.

Hell, I wouldn’t even be writing about this were it not for the hilarious frequency — either as a “No Homo!” joke or outsider witticism — with which the terms “M.M.A.” and “Gay Porn” are linked together in a Google search. Seriously, these knuckle-breakers are scorchingly hot (it’s like the cast of Oz), which I have to figure is the only reason the gays would care. There’s lots of tats, big tits, aggressive hair, and granite jaws, plus I’m surprised by the range of doability; you get some younger, comparatively pretty guys, and then there are the more mature, glowering, ultra-rugged ones with shaved pates who look like ex-cons.

Hurt me.

Anyway, unintentional homoeroticism is always a good time had by all, so despite all the pointless macho aggression and silicone-enhanced ring girls, Ultimate Fighting delivers the male-on-male tension we love. I’m even convinced that an uninitiated viewer who’s familiar with neither M.M.A nor gay porn couldn’t actually tell the players apart if presented with images of each.

I’d contend that we should have our own gay version of U.F.C. — in which the men have to dick-fence, have spank fights, or bang their gargantuan racks together with bellicose growls of “Mine are bigger!” — but that’s basically gay porn’s mission statement, so done and done. Just watch a movie like Cage and tell me that at heart it isn’t about the unrequited sexual chemistry between Luke “The Incredible Hulk” Ferrigno and Reb “Captain America” Brown.

It’s a total crank-fest.

It’s not even necessarily what goes on in the ring that makes M.M.A. so pantingly gay. Central to its erotic hostility is the pre-match face-off wherein competitors stare each other down by standing so close together that you just know somebody in attendance has to shout “Tongue him!” every time.

Gay guys will often nuzzle each other’s noses, fub each other’s facial hair, or rub their foreheads together — all gestures of mutual attraction — so the translation from that to masculine rage is an awkward one for me. All I see are two beasts jockeying for position, one of them bound to go ass up with just enough protest to give him the ego-buffering assurance that he was coerced into it.

It’s what we call “asking for it.”

Lately, the Fight Club-style hotness of the sport has only been amped up by the ever-increasing presence of weekend warrior male porn models working their way into its ranks. We’ve become so used to this in bodybuilding and fitness modeling that it’s no longer much of a shocker, but these guys might in time corner the market on this scene too.

Straight star Dick Delaware (AKA Aaron Brink, top right, blazingly bangable, known for pulling out his dick and slapping it, uttering “Bad cock! Bad cock!”) was one of the first to my knowledge, joined recently by the likes of douchey-sexy War Machine and various dispensable gay web models. Ricky Sinz (top left) not only looks like a bruiser who’d kill you for gum — he splits lips when he’s not banging haunch. The pectacular Gauge (bottom left) could wield his cavernous cleavage as a weapon like Chesty Morgan (whatta way to go), while moltenly studly Charles Dera (bottom right) seems intent on risking that incredible mug of his in the ring.

I’ve noticed a definite upswing in the number of gay porn productions that either directly trade on M.M.A. connection, have scenes set in fighting rings, or have greased-up naked guys dukin’ it out for supremacy as their ostensible selling point, so clearly the medium has its ear to the ground. Is it the visceral violence that makes it such a turn-on? The fact that it’s not a choreographed dance wherein someone can really get hurt? Probably both, but for the sake of sheer synergy, the sport should make it compulsory that the victor stand over the loser, whip it out, and spray his load all over him with a climactic primal scream.

Take a walk to Queer Street.