Slay It, Don’t Say It: Ten Truly Tired-Ass Gay Porn Lines

Gay porn’s got a lot of problems as of late, but while many of them are recent developments, there’s one that’s always been a real monkey on the medium’s back.

Terrible dialogue.

Now terrible’s a loaded word in porn. Most of us will admit that we get off on cheesy, nasty wordplay that no one will ever actually utter in real life. When I see a guy getting banged from behind bray “Fuck me like the trash I am!” while grasping a chain link fence for leverage, I think Good for him. He deserves it.

No, when I say terrible dialogue I mean hackneyed, dull, uninspired blather, which is sadly the norm in most movies.

It’s actually exceedingly rare to find a real cunning linguist in gay porn, with only players like Sam Crockett, Gino Colbert, Blue Blake, York Powers, and Paul Morgan comprising a very small and exclusive club of dumpster-mouthed wordsmiths. Jon Vincent is arguably the all-time reigning king of filth-speak (not too many men could deliver an enlivened utterance like “Oh, Mother yes! Oh, Mother never!” while getting sucked off), and I’m convinced that he would’ve made an excellent mainstream actor or even a writer.

I don’t know if it’s the actors, the scripts, the directors, or a combination of all three, but bad dialogue is a problem that just keeps exacerbating, and because the business can’t seem to self-correct, we’re here to strongly encourage them to officially retire The Ten Hoariest Gay Porn Lines We Can’t Bear To Ever Hear Again.

10. “Fuck/suck/eat that ass/dick/hole!”

It’s like this and like that and like that and like this!

This is perhaps the ultimate in lazy gay porn banter, as if it were generated by a Speak & Spell for functionally illiterate models.

It’s made all the worse by this crippling problem that gay porn has with demonstrative determiners, meaning it’s always that phantom dick or ass that’s referenced instead of this one right in front of the speaker. This howler has been repeated so many times that “Suck this dick” doesn’t even sound right even though it clearly is.

It also makes gang bangs and circle sucks so confusing for the grammatically-adept guy in the mix.

9. “Fuck yeah!”

Not so objectionable when only used sparingly, “Fuck yeah!” very rapidly becomes irksome to the ear when repeated ad nauseam for fifteen minutes on end. It’s just become too much of a go-to filler crutch for the non-lexical in gay porn. I get that a lot of these models probably suck their thumbs or wander off set when a butterfly catches their attention, but I can’t help feeling they can still do better. I like it when players verbally spar.

Whenever a guy really switches it up and hits a lingual home run in mid-rut, my faith in the world is redeemed. Even just a “Yeah, motherfucka!” or “Daddy just got paid!” can be a game changer. I once heard a guy say “Yeah. Ride it. Ride it all the way home,” to his co-star. The best line ever still runs through my head. “Hey — where’s my cock? Where’s my cock, boy?,” asks a top to his younger bottom, who in turns half-groans, half-whines “It’s…in…my…ass!”

Fuck yeah it is.

8. “Damn, it’s tight!”

This one’s hilarious because you have to figure that with some of these career bottoms with forty or fifty titles in their resume it’s gotta feel like throwing a hot dog down a hallway at some point. Think about it: does anyone really want to get it on with an “experienced bottom”?

Just as straight porn would have you believe that all women walk around looking like femme bots always up to get banged by any guy who crosses their path, gay porn trades in the fantasy that all asses are tight as a drum despite getting pounded harder than the gates of Minas Tirith by an orc battering ram. “Is it in yet?”

“Um…yes.”

7. “Take it! Take it!”

Oy, is there anything more tedious and one-note than a mouth-breathing top who just repeats “Take it” on a loop? Look, it’s not a survey — it’s a dick in a gay porn movie wherein clothes magically disappear and guys named Bryce or Camden go on ski trips. You don’t need the hard sell.

It’s like too much motile emphasis is placed on the dick; I like when the top gets a little lazy and tell the bottom “You do it! Fuck yourself!” as he just lies back and lets that ass go crazy on his pole. Get a little madcap, guys. Blurt out “You deserve the dick!” or “I’m occupying your ass, baby!”

Better to make us laugh or double-take than doze the hell off from monotonous stimulation.

6. “I’m gonna cum!”

This line is so ubiquitous, but it’s ultimately irrelevant to the viewer. We’ve all seen enough porn to understand the pacing and scene trajectory, and it’s visually obvious when a guy’s about to blast without him having to say a word. His eyes close, his neck cranes, his body gets really taught — it’s akin to saying “Yes! I’m gonna piss like a racehorse!” in the bathroom.

The perverse thing is that gay porn is chock full of models who hate to get jizzed on. They get this look on their face like they’re bracing themselves to get pepper sprayed by a dickbag cop, and some will visibly recoil when the cum starts flying. I think it’d be awesome to some unguarded moments where one model sprays all over his unsuspecting co-star without warning.

“Don’t blame me, baby. I didn’t start the fire — I just put it out!”

5. “I don’t know, man — I’ve never done anything like this before!”

Ah yes, the seduction of the innocent.

A variation on “This is my first time,” or “You’re the first one to fuck me,” it amounts to the same yeah, right, you gape-holed slut effect. Whether it’s straight-arrow jocks or hulking squares in polo shirts, being even just a little bi-curious in gay porn is a slippery slope. What starts out with a furtive blowjob ends with the thrill-seeker getting gang-banged atop a pool table by a bar full of sneering ass fiends. “Please! I just came here for the karaoke! This is nothing like Glee!”

The point is, the pretense of virtue in gay porn is needless, because deep-down, all men are whores.

4. “Dude, I’m straight…but…”

This one is more of a prelude line, but it’s still well-worn.

Look, I get the whole seduce-a-straight-guy fantasy, but take a moment and imagine the side-eye straight porn would get if it insisted on a pretense of hetero-only status for its female stars. Straight male porn viewers never have to hear “Um, I don’t really like licking clit,” or “Ewwww! Kiss a girl!” from the ladies, and if they did, I bet they’d be miffed.

Gay porn is a fictional space like any mainstream movie or TV series. It has its own sense of place and rules, and within its universe it’s implicit that not only are all men sexually available, but they’re essentially gay because women don’t exist therein. Yeah, there’ll be throwaway references to wives or girlfriends, but they’re like unicorns or mermaids. No man in gay porn is gonna turn down a hole that’s offered to him — ever — so skip the light fandango. It’s time to get sucked and get fucked, hubby.

3. “Like dat ass?”

Yes, frankly, I do.

I guess this line is just rhetorical, but here’s the thing, generic gay porn director: we all like dat ass. That’s why they call us ass bandits, and that’s why you make movies called Older Men Want Ass, Rear Formation, Acres of Ass, and Butt Sluts of The Castro. It’s rather like asking Who wants cake? or Who likes puppies? Basically, if you’re getting plowed by a grunting and straining hot piece, it’s a safe bet he’s really into that ass, and if you press them, all gay men will admit that they would kill for that ass. That’s why we have to wear pants.

To stop the killing.

2. “Cum on my ass, man!”

Look you fucking bratty bottom: You’re not the boss of me.

This pop shot should be effortlessly hot, but weirdly it’s never done anything for me, and whenever a guy demands it, I always hope his scene partner over-shoots and hits him in the head. Better that the more assertive player just choose his own target without too much direction. I’ve always found chest and face shots more appealing anyway, and now after too many years of the same old arched ass dousing, they seem to be gaining more prominence. Either way, don’t verbally telegraph the moment. Surprise us.

And take it in the face like a man, pussy boy!

1. “Suck it…yeah…suck it…”

I hate porn banter that’s too instructional-sounding. I always get a thrill whenever I hear a trash-talker come up with something truly zany or off-the-cuff like “Oh, you suck like a little corporal!,” or, when the guy in front of him comes up for air, “You get a five second little slut break and then you get back in there!”

I want some nasty Kama Sutra dirty talk, not a step-by-step manual. “Yeah! Insert screw A into slot B! Crank the sliding rod! Crank it! Crank it”

“For optimal results, use both hands!”