The Nightcharm Slutties: The Hardest-Ridden Sluts In The Jizz Biz

Here at Nightcharm, we can sometimes get a little cheeky with content, so whenever we color outside of the PC lines, we expect to get our asses spanked and usually do…because we’re nasty boys.

So fair warning: this is likely the least PC thing you’ll ever read on this blog, and it only gets raunchier from here.

I’m here to talk about sluts. Gay sluts. People can say the term is judgmental and perjorative, but they can bite it, because the reality is this: sluts exist. We’ve all met them, and some of us are them. I’d go so far as to say that every gay man has a moment just like Molly Shannon in Superstar wherein their internalized conflict between social responsibility and the pleasure principle results in a paroxysm of “I’m not a slut! I ain’t no slut! I ain’t no slut!” Some work through it; others give in and spread like it’s the sale of the century.

Let’s get the etymology of the term down first. “Whore” and “slut” are too often used interchangeably. A whore fucks for cash, fame, or career advancement, sometimes even marrying and/or having a child to anchor their mark — anything to get that check. A slut operates on sheer animal lust, selfishly screwing those they aren’t even particularly attracted to without thought to consequence for themselves or others, never getting enough.

It’s all about the dick.

So really, gay porn is the ideal medium for sluts, and between plummeting production values and dwindling profits, it’s gonna be a slutty race to the bottom. Clinton-Era sluts like Paul Morgan and Rob Cryston who spent the decade spattered with jizz now seem like gauzy fairy princesses who walk on cobwebs when compared with contempo players getting fucked on moving buses for a whopping $300. New Millennium gay porn has had to get nastier to stay marketable, and that means activities once relegated to underground porn — fisting, spooge dumps, extreme anal play — are working their way up in the mainstream. Current players are embracing their inner sluts and getting’ down on all fours like dogs on a front lawn in need of a hose-down.

When I challenged myself to select the ten biggest load-bearing fuck puppets in recent gay porn history — some going strong, other presumably taking breathers seated in buckets of ice — I knew I needed certain criteria in selecting them. In the end, I based my choices on 1) Persona (not volume, as anyone can phone it in over the course of 100 movies), 2) Shameless kink-laden notoriety among with-it viewers, and 3) A willingness to push sexual boundaries even at their own personal peril. With that in mind, I now preset you, in no particular order, with The Ten Most Shameless Cum Sluts In Gay Porn:

10) Kurt Wild

There’s a lot of talk lately about America’s crumbling infrastructure, but let us not forget that for the past five or so years boy-slut Kurt Wild has been a major ongoing project of the Interior Department — in the sense that he’s had more pipe laid into him than all of California’s natural gas utility.

Kurt looks like an innocent wittle eighth grader who has a paper route after school, and admittedly he does throw it all over town like a paperboy, but don’t let him fool you — he’s a major slut-for-hire who can’t keep his legs closed no matter how much flak it earns him. “Fuck a dolla!,” Kurt says in auditions for Crammed-Hard College Boyz Cum Easy 8 and Joystick Jizzers 9: Mother Hold My Hand as he flouts the standard pay scale. “I want fiiiiiiiiive dollaz!”

Most sluts are pretty self-reflective about being tapped-out, but Kurt’s the rare one who likes to feign being exploited. Getting fired from Subway upon being recognized, doing a trash-yourself interview with Tyra Banks in which he revealed he was supporting a wife and kids by sellin’ that ass — it’s all just his way of pretending he wouldn’t stick it up for a bag of Doritos and a Jamba Juice, then high-five you afterward.

I got your number, hussy!

9) Ashley Ryder

Though he’s better known across the pond in his native Britain where his gaping ass threatens to act as a particle accelerator that could trigger the second Big Bang, twink-slut Ashley Ryder is an all-anal acrobat at the tender age when most of us were doing term papers.

Just a cursory Google search will reveal copious photographic evidence of his Pez Dispenser hole distended to the point that he appears ready to pop out a set of sextuplets. You name the combination — two dicks, one dildo, one dildo and one dick, two dildos, a whole arm — and it’s been up this guy’s ass, so you just know that Mumsy’s got to be real proud of Oliver Fist here. As kids, we’ve all shoved a marble or plastic farm animal up our nostrils or into our ears, but Ashley was going for extremes even then, cramming a whole squadron of toy soldiers up his chute.

Seriously — a tribe of Littles could form a colony in there, and probably has at some point.

Yep, Petey Prolapse’s antics are not for the faint of heart, and I can’t help saluting a slut who sits in the audience of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with it’s multiple forced-entry scenes and scoffs “Bloody amateur slags! That’s not how you take it like champ! Sod off!”

8. Owen Hawk

Every once in a blue moon, gay porn offers up an all-access bacchanalian slut-fiend who’s been mounted so many times that his asshole dilates like an opening telescope from just the slightest touch.

Human merry-go-round Owen Hawk is just such a slut.

Porn starletry just wasn’t providing Owen with a regular supply of dick, so he took the enterprising route and became a porn slut-mogul, founding skeezy bareback studio Dark Alley with boyfriend/business partner Matthias Von Fistenberg (once known as Mathew Green, transmogrified through slut symbiosis proximity to Owen into a tatted-out metabo-monster hole freak). For most of us, sex is actually something of a rare and thrilling occasion that gives us the giddies. For Owen and Matthias, every weekend was a gang-bang in a torture dungeon attended by guys who just waltzed in out of Cruising or 8MM. “A new studded zipper thong! Thanks Machine!”

Anyslut, things were going great until Matthias got deported, presumably, for being a nasty ass. What’s a heartbroken slut deprived of his true-fated love to do?, I ask you. Why, get a new lookalike/soundalike boyfriend named Brandon Hawk (Sluttony/Vanity. Slanity!) and continue throwing them legs up in the air under a banner of pseudo-Libertarian bullshit.

The simple invitation emblazoned above Owen’s contact-me portion of his website: “Fuck Owen.”

Sure! I better take a number!

7. Tyler Saint

Sluts at some point in their misadventures develop a certain look about them — it’s that hard, trashy cast to their face that lets you know you’re dealing with a bitch with some miles on him. Ironically-monikered Tyler Saint — all leathery and used — well, he’s got the look.

Let’s face it: every guy who does gay porn is nominally a star, but the medium produces relatively few Lana Turners and plenty of Barbara Paytons. Tyler definitely falls into the latter category. Six years ago it seemed he had the potential to be a pretty major star. His downfall?

Popularity breeds contempt.

Yes, Tyler’s ass has been very popular and very bred. He slid from the mainstream studios to the less-polished bareback ones, and as the condoms came off, so did the marquee factor. By the time he ran out of bare dicks to take, he’d turned to getting probed by weird-ass pistons out of some underground porno-anime. Now, he’s playing in awful gonzo porn — the kind with hideous DayGlo couches that looks to be shot on a iPhone cam by douchebag directors who say “Dude” all the time.

Hitting skid row at a rapid slide sure can chafe the ass.

6. Jim Slade

OK, admittedly slutty brick house Jim Slade has been retired for a while now, but his fans keep hoping for a comeback and I think he deserves a lion’s share of credit for being the New Millennium Gay Porn Slut who showed all the rest how it’s done. He only did about a dozen or so movies, but when he was on camera, he went all out.

Directors will often find stars who act as their on-screen surrogates or self-projections. David Lynch had Kyle MacLachlan, Tim Burton has Johnny Depp, and for a brief but glorious spate of muscle-themed porn flicks, Blue Blake had Jim Slade.

If this was a slutty beauty pageant, then heat-seeking slut missile Slade at least deserves the Mr. Congeniality title because he’s a rarity, what I call a “Friendly Slut,” meaning he’s sunny, engaging, and prone to using sex as means of relating as a bonobo might. If it was your birthday and you were down and alone, he’d drop trou, stick his ass in the air, and say “Take it. Enjoy.” Seeing him get fucked hard is a real hoot, and if taking shots to the face is a badge of honor in porn like it is for rappers, then Slade’s a hardcore gangsta slut. He was once overheard in a WeHo coffee shop talking about getting double-fucked by two black guys on a desk with all the casualness you or I might describe talking a walk.

I suspect that his porn tenure was a sort of quest to find the dick he couldn’t accommodate, so his swan song scene in Musclemen Moving Company is rather like watching the cowboy straddling the bomb in Dr. Strangelove. He went out the way he came in.

One. Hot. Slut.

5. Drew Peters

Yeah, the photo at right pretty much says all you need to know about ass slut Drew Peters — the class, the elegance, the pristine demureness — but I’ll let the following hilarious description from a fan put it over the top:

“…the kid with doughy pugilist’s features. He looks like a 1930s actor; you know, the kind who played James Cagney’s henchman in a gangster flick. Nice body though. With that and the tattoo, Drew’d make a fair street hustler.”

There are sluts and then there are sluts, and Drew is like a freakin’ on ramp. He does zero for me, but somebody’s gotta dig his scene, because he’s been in a ton of porn, everything from vanilla mainstream to full-on underground scat. His odometer’s gotta clock out at some point, but until then, he’s focusing on what he does best: takin’ loads full-time. A slut like this never does anything half way, and Drew was born to utter Liz Taylor’s immortal line from Butterfield 8: “Mama, face it. I was the slut of all-time!”

I’d wash his nasty mouth out with soap, but I think he might actually enjoy it.

4. Dawson

I’m not crazy about Treasure Island Media; it’s like the Saw franchise of gay porn, so it’s not for everybody. Most of the guys aren’t much to crow about either — they have this Nosferatu look that sex addicts and sex freaks with bio hazard tattoos over their dicks tend to sport, and if there are name stars in the mix, then they’re usually former hot stuff on a serious slide — but if the company has a face, then it’s gotta be Dawson.

Dawson’s an epic slut, meaning that like 7Eleven, he’s open all night and even on Christmas, the only difference being he doesn’t have a no-shirts, no shoes, no service policy. Seriously, this bitch has done whole state fairs and shriner’s conventions — all of it with a “What the fuck?” shrug as he rides cock and chugs jizz.

I can spot a slut from a mile away on a dime, but oddly, Dawson doesn’t look the type. With is warm, kindly face and big doe eyes, he actually looks — dare I? — innocent. Still, he’s confessed to doing a mind-blowing eighty-three guys in a single night. The guy’s got to have caught every bug in known existence, and the fact that he’s still standing suggests that he may actually have some kind of scientifically inexplicable immunity.

Either that or he’s the mythical plague sower come to wipe us all out, so watch your back with this slut.

3) Jeff Palmer

Ha! Check out the look on Jeffy Boy’s face. It just screams “I’m a precious petaled flower! What is this dick doing in my mouth! I would never choke on cock and take loads to the face! Scandalismo!”

Can it, slut! You can lie to us but don’t lie to yourself!

Jeff is gay porn’s answer to Tom Cruise: short, sort of android-ish, fanatically religious, a science-denier, and a wacko conspiracy theorist. This is one insane slut. He’s also been known to sport a hideous klieg light-blond dye job.

There are circus tents that are less splayed-out than Jeff, and with Jeebus on his side, he’ll continue his Mary Magdalene act of letting all comers make him air tight with righteous abandon.

Hallelujah!

2. Erik Rhodes

A champagne bottle. The entire Falcon roster. Francois Sagat’s fist. A parking cone. New York. L.A.

Erik Rhodes has smoked ‘em all.

By his own admission, Erik is a ten-ton mega-slut with a busted-up ass that destroys everything good and pure. Described by one source as “[a] creation [that] resembles a cross between Frankenstein’s monster and The Hulk with a ridiculous Jersey Shore spray tan,” he exists on a diet of HGH, Red Bull, and jizz as he takes them loads ’round the clock. If Jaws was a nob-gobbling cock slut, then Erik would be a fucking megalodon swallowing cruise ships, small islands, and sperm (whales) in a single gulp.

Erik’s an embittered slut who spends his time threatening to kill himself, encouraging others to do so as well, pining away for douchebag boyfriends who film him drunk off his ass, listening to EMO music, getting arrested for public roid rage, and bitching about getting fucked on camera by his boring co-stars. When he walks past a fire hydrant, he thinks “I could take that.” He once partook in an all-black gang bang that left his asshole swollen shut. Like his fellow Long Islander sister-in-spirit Amy Fisher, Erik is one messed-up bitch who’s destined to shoot somebody in the face and do sex in fuck flicks.

He’s just changing the order around, Guido Slut-style.

1. Mason Wyler

Look, I’ll be honest: I’m pulling for Erik Rhodes or Jim Slade to get the tiara in this slut show-down, but even their combined talents are gonna get a run for their money from southern-fried-slut-bag Mason Wyler.

Depending on who you ask, Mason is either the hottest bottom in porn or a total crazed creep who’ll do anything for dick. I think he looks like Gomer Pyle had a broken condom baby with the Wicked Witch, so whatev. That would be the closest he’s ever come to using one.

A slut he is who fails to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and Mason is one of those sluts who’s intent on living out every escapade the rest of us just relegate to dream sequences. What is his pinnacle moment of sluttony? Posting a pic of himself getting fucked on his blog with the words “This could be you fucking my ass!!” ‘shopped onto it? Lying about he and his funny boy hubby getting raped by an Iraq vet, resulting in the guy’s arrest and the subsequent dropping of all charges, the A-Ha! moment arriving when everyone collectively realized he’s never once turned down a dick? How about announcing his newly learned HIV+ status with a sentiment amounting to “Finally! Gang bang at my place!”? Maybe signing on with fellow butt slut Owen Hawk post-diagnosis to get pounded out with cavalier glee? Any way you slice it, this is one fucked-up slut for the ages.

We christen thee, Saint Mason, Patron Saint of Wayward Slut Puppies the world over.