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Our Gang Follies: Essential Gay Porn Gang Bangs

by Shawn Baker

gang
We’re all gonna get gang-banged someday.

It’s just a fact of life, one that can be hastened -– say, if your parents name you Delicious or Exxxstasy, or you work at Denny’s or live in Tampa -– but is nonetheless inevitable. It can happen to you. Now I’m a mechanical learner who likes to be prepared, and if fuck flicks have taught me anything about life –- and they have, lots -– it’s that consent is the first thing to go out in the window, so I wanna make sure I’ve got my A-Game good to go when that construction crew tosses me into the back of a flatbed truck.

The reason I’m a big success is because I apply porn logic to all avenues in life, so if you want your mass-defilement at the hands of multiple men to be epic, here’s the instructional masterpieces I recommend you bone up on.

Colton

Forms of mini-mass hysteria – shouting “Fire!” in a crowded theater, human stampedes, wearing Uggs -– are socially contagious, meaning it just takes one person to act as the vector to set that shit off.

So it is with gang bangs. In this case, Colton‘s (I feel like the title should have a requisite kicky exclamation point, like Harry, Cherry & Raquel!, but whatever) spectacular closing garage fuck-fest finds Mephistophelean leading man Colton Ford opting to drop trou and whip it out rather than service sloe-eyed Brad Benton‘s engine. Ford’s sexual charisma is so pheromonal that it apparently begins attracting dick from across miles. Pretty soon, strange tricks just staring wandering into the scene, with noted muscle slut Jim Slade leading a train as the Little Engine That Could (& Did!). Ford acts as the dining car in this chugger, with stubbly Chad Williams literally bringing up Benton’s rear.

Technically, there’s nothing particularly inspired about this whole set-up -– we’ve seen it before –- but the men’s chemistry and energy is molten as they just melt into each other, their moans and hips synchronizing at one point. What should be just a cliché vanity piece devoted to a name star becomes something magical, thanks mainly to Ford’s latent, endearing goofiness and his amazing, horned-up sex sneer that rivals Billy Idol‘s.

What I learned: If your mirror image goads you into all manner of sexual debauchery, just go with it. Schizophrenia’s is a manageable blast!

Caesar’s Hard Hat Gang Bang

I will contend that the awesome Caesar‘s Hard Hat Gang Bang is essentially King Kong with the key elements refigured. In place of a lost world, there’s a construction site. Instead of an imperiled Poverty Row starlet lashed to a sacred altar, we get famed muscle-boy Caesar spread-eagle on a work table. Gone are the blonde-fetishizing natives, replaced by a lecherous Latino work crew with eyes for white-boy ass, and standing in for a giant forty-foot ape is about twelve feet of dick.

Stranded motorist Caesar –- sensibly decked out in his best come-do-me B-Boy wear –- wanders into the main set piece and finds himself interrupting a rite of sexual initiation is which youngest crew member Stonie is the intended offering.

Lil’ Hard Hat is ultimately spared mass deflowering at the hands (and mouths, and dicks) of his co-workers when they take a shine to Caesar and set in upon him like a pride of lions on a gazelle. Our captive blond goes off on those dicks, and what starts off with playful ribbing at his slutty expense gets real when he’s taking multiple fingers in his baby ass, the crew gasping aloud at its beauty. The Chosen One has come! Hell, everybody comes by the time the cast is done tenderizing Caesar’s ample haunches –- he remains consistently engorged and game throughout, and I think he’d have let his co-stars put their cocks in his ears if he could’ve -– and coating him in their jizz.

What I learned: Hey, if you don’t wanna be defiled in droves by leering workin’ stiffs, then consider toning down the wardrobe, you trash.

Airborne

One of those cookie cutter Csaba Borbely Hungarian entries featuring a cast full of diminutive, Spartan-looking actors named Flavio and Helmut, Airborne‘s lively barracks gang bang is an unintentional total howler by virtue of its incredible subtitling, which is the equivalent of subtitling a Kung-Fu movie.

The focal point here is fey Tony Magera, who’s not really my type, but I can’t help liking him because he looks like one of those big-eyed kid paintings and seems to be on the verge of tears. Every time a co-star puts the moves on him, I half expect him to proclaim “Please, sir! I must be going home! Mama needs help preparing the goulash!” Anyway, babe-like recruit Tony foolishly leaves his gay spank material out for his senior commanders to discover upon nightly bunk inspection. “As I see, you like great dicks, conscriptee!,” they exclaim (hilariously). “Yes, sir!,” Tony replies. “We’ll make you sucked, then!,” they bray with libidinous intent as the other recruits look on and massage their groins greedily.

Soon, everybody’s going at in a dizzying array of contortionist positions, and you’ll be falling out of your seat upon hearing such whoppers as “Snap my dick!,” (?!), “You deserve the dick!,” and “Good to fuck with you!” This sequence is pretty much everything I want out of life –- Physical Pyrotechnics! Erotic Hostility! Horrible dialogue! –- and if it was a looking glass, I’d be through it like a drunk shattering through a sliding door.

What I learned: Hungarians have mastered the intense, lingering come-fuck-me stare. “Enjoy the way of my dick!”

Men In Blue

I gotta hand it to Blue Blake. Dude fucked a bunch of famous tricks, made a ton of movies in the ’90s, and took a lotta loads to the face in the process. When it’s time for your porn swan song, he taught us to go all-out, and 1998’s trashtastic Men In Blue has got to be the raunchiest, edgiest, sleaziest mainstream fuck flick I’ve ever born witness to –- a little bit Heavy Traffic, a little bit Crimes of Passion, and a whole lotta Bad Lieutenant. Blake is a swaggering pig beat cop with big tits who loves workin’ over bitches at random, forcing a guy in a car to blow his friend at gunpoint and raping his young partner, driving him to suicide. This fucker is nasty.

Anyway, his nadir arrives upon discovering the three hottest Latino crackheads in all creation in an alley. He Bogarts their crack, taunts them with his British pussy, and offers it up to them on a mattress. It’s a hoot seeing Blake used like a Kleenex, the men mocking and humiliating him as he whines like a little girl for more. Bitch. Copper gets basted like a hog at a luau, but while your typical gang bang ends with a sated fade-to-black, this one really goes out with a bang as Blake proceeds to blow all three men away without even batting an eyelash (!). “Thanks for the ride. I enjoyed myself.”

What I learned: If you want to maintain your virginal, dewy-fresh reputation after getting plowed by three hoods gangster-style, just kill them. Discretion is the better part of murder.

Playing With Fire 2

Firehouses and gang bangs go together like flame retardant-free pajamas and bootleg Chinese fireworks, and the Playing With Fire series has perfected that combustible formula.

The second entry is my favorite, due in no small part to the presence of future Japanese pop icon Billy Herrington, who really looks the part of a hot-ass fire chief with repressed homo longings for new recruit Steve Cassidy (resembling a fireplug Wolverine). The movie’s big group fuck is actually Big Billy’s fantasy sequence, and it has a nice psychological dream logic to it. Billy has the other recruits servicing him when Cassidy wanders in from stage left like a figment, sticking his muscle ass up to Le Herrington’s delight.

The two men exchange heated looks and dialogue –- their chemistry is sizzling –- yet never actually physically connect until the end of the movie, which makes a certain Jungian sense. Billy simply watches –- his bouncing tits are hypnotic –- as the other men let Cassidy slide up and down their poles as he holds onto the fire rig for leverage. It’s a scene that deserves props for nicely approximating the feel of a wet dream.. something you would never do in waking life. Bravo.

What I learned: “Yeah! Fucking rape my hole!” is the ideal all-purpose gang bang exhortation.

There are more gangbang scenes in the Inner Circle than you can poke a stick at. The group action is here.