Ten Best Actor Oscar Winners Whose Cocks We’d Happily Suck

By Mark Adnum

jeffbridgesJeff Bridges, winner for Crazy Heart in 2009, has aged very well, but he had a lot to work with, as you can see from the picture above, when he was in the prime of his incredibly cute youth. Easily one of the best looking men of his generation, Jeff was at his aesthetic peak in films like Starman and Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.

The incomparable Paul Newman finally won his Oscar in 1986 for The Color Of Money. He didn’t attend the ceremony that year having lost his six previous nominations and commented later that “It’s like chasing a beautiful woman for years. Finally she relents and you say, you know what, I’m just too tired now.”

But his absence was a blessing in disguise, since it allowed Bette Davis, who presented the award that year, to deliver one of her finest screen performances and create this all-time classic Oscar moment:

 

Observe the angular Eastern-European charms (father was Polish/mother Hungarian) of Adrien Brody, winner at his first and since only nomination for The Pianist in 2002.

Marlon Brando could have won no Oscars but that wouldn’t dissuade a single gay man or a woman on the face of the Earth to lick his balls and suck his cock and do whatever the fuck else he wanted them to do. The great man’s first Oscar was for On The Waterfront, in 1954.

And, it’s a pity he didn’t win 12 Oscars instead of only two, since then we could run more pics of him. Brando refused to accept his second Oscar, for The Godfather in 1972, sending an Apache activist who called herself Sacheen Littlefeather up onstage to decline on his behalf and deliver a speech about Hollywood’s appalling presentation of North American Indians in the movies, much to the mortification of presenters Roger Moore and Liv Ullman, and scattered booing from the audience:

Later, it was revealed Sacheen was a LA-based actress called Maria Cruz. She’s apparently still living quite happily in her bungalow in Salinas, California but more importantly, look at this selection of images of the most attractive man who ever lived:

Call me crazy, but I get the vibe that Russell Crowe would be a bossy, lazy top. Which in my book is not at all a criticism. Though he should have won an Oscar for this, Rusty took his Oscar for Gladiator in 2000, in a classic Paltrow-moment, Oscar-get-it-wrong given that future-winner Javier Bardem was his co-nominee that year for his staggering performance as Cuban poet Reinaldo Arenas in Before Night Falls, which, did you know, featured Johnny Depp playing a double role in the prison sequence of the film, as prison guard Lt. Victor and drag-queen inmate Bon-Bon, as you can see here:

Here’s Charlton Heston, winner for Ben Hur in 1959, reclining nude in a steam room. Not to everyone’s taste, sure, and more than one observer has wondered why Heston, who was no Steve Reeves, became the Biblical King of the Macistes.

I wonder if Jean Dujardin, last year’s winner (for The Artist) would stay silent the whole time and then yell “Fuck! Fuck!” as he did during his performance and at the end of his acceptance speech, respectively?

Yul Brynner was named Best Actor in 1959 for The King And I. Did you know he was Russian? I didn’t.

Clark Gable’s win in 1934 for It Happened One Night was notable for being part of only two times in Oscar history when one film won all five major Oscars – Actor, Actress, Screenplay, Director, Best Picture. The other, of course, was The Silence of the Lambs in 1991. Read more about the controversy surrounding the events of 1934 here.

I wonder if he ever holidays in Malawi? A fine example of men ageing awesomely, two-time winner Sean Penn (Mystic River, 2003 and Milk, 2008) only improves with age. And becomes ever more accomplished, sophisticated and dignified – it’s interesting how people go in completely different directions after they divorce, isn’t it?

And speaking of Oscar records, here’s a non-cocksucking related item that shows a unique moment in Oscar lore, when Barbra Streisand and Katharine Hepburn tied for Best Actress in 1969. Nothing of the kind has ever happened before or since. And did you know: just weeks before voting for that year’s Oscars commenced, Streisand was offered membership to the Academy and therefore a vote in the awards ballot. Presumably, she voted for herself. Normally, new members aren’t admitted until after they’ve been nominated but this rule was lifted just this one time. I wonder who insisted that decision be made? Anyway, if she hadn’t been admitted and voted for herself, she would have fallen one vote short of Hepburn, and so the rest wouldn’t have been history:



  • http://www.facebook.com/matthew.rettenmund Matthew Rettenmund

    The Streisand tidbit (juicy) assumes that by “tied” they meant literally the exact same # of votes. Do we know if that’s true, or could they have tied by coming so close in ballots that the Academy decided to call it even?

  • http://nightcharm.com/ Mark Adnum

    No, it was an exact tie, with multiple recounts just to be sure. I wrote to the Academy for a school assignment once and received a huge package – via AIR MAIL!!! – with al their booklets and rules. i was surprised to learn that there are thousands of voters, the acting branch is the biggest followed by all the sound, camera, editing people and so on. A lot of people presume it’s just a cabinet of voters, like, say, the Cannes Film Festival, but it isn’t – it’s like a general election.

    HOWEVER, on the Joan Rivers show once, Bette Davis did tellingly roll her eyes when Joan said “well it is all true isn’t it, that it isn’t ever rigged and nobody ever knows who the winner is until the envelope is opened?” Everyone laughed. Mind you, Miss Davis seemed to be the last to know that Anne Bancroft was going to beat her out of her Baby Jane Oscar, so who knows what to make of the whole thing?

  • M312

    Oh how I miss Bette, but the winner, Paul Newman. Talk about having it all. Talented, absolutely fucking gorgeous, but above all, an amazing humanitarian. He is the epitome of what it means to be a man. Douchebags constantly say “man up” as if being a man only entails you to stop having any or all emotions about anything in particular and do something expected. Paul was 100% more a man because he wore his emotions on his sleeve and followed his heart, no matter where it led him. That is a man – one who lives by his convictions, not a cliche of what it means to be a man. I could gush forever, but I am out of wine.

  • Dogwood

    Great taste Mister! Have you seen this one of Yul?

  • http://www.facebook.com/gary.gray.7359 Gary Gray

    EXcellent article. Thanks.

  • http://nightcharm.com/ Mark Adnum

    you’re very welcome.

  • http://nightcharm.com/ Mark Adnum

    you had me at “Bette”.

  • http://nightcharm.com/ Mark Adnum

    no, but i have now! got any more?

  • bats :[

    Aagh! You don’t have a very sexy nude photo of Yul? (I do!) Maybe I should send it to you…I think you’d appreciate it.

 
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