Who will and who won’t (but should — if true beauty and order and fairness dominated our culture.)
Film: Argo. And rightfully so. (Should: Argo — though I haven’t seen Django yet which I would give the award to just on the level of balls and because Obama was re-elected and the karmic confluence is too wonderful to contain and not be celebrated).
Director: Steven Spielberg. Fine. But I wish he would do away with John Williams. God, do I need my tits milked so hard at every fucking Spielberg film I see. (Should: Ben Affleck. Fuck the douchebag Academy and jealous queens angry about how great Ben’s body looked [opening screen cap] in that one shirtless shot in the mirror.)
Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis but please not Bradley Cooper. A very bad thing should Cooper win, like California will crack in half and fall into the ocean. (Should: Joaquin Phoenix scorched and melted my mind in The Master, you can’t really call what he did acting — it’s some form of transmission that originated in ancient Greece but has not been seen or heard of since in the dramatic arts.)
Actress: Jennifer Hudson, I mean: Lawrence — but why? The nuance and depth of a pie tin. Her acknowledgment would be akin to Crash winning best picture some years ago. (Should: The old woman should win, or Sally Field or Jenna Jameson. ANYONE but Lawrence).
Supporting Actor: Tommy Lee Jones, which is fine, I mean, the guy’s earned it and he galvanized Lincoln for me along with the robbed James Spader. (Should: Philip Seymour Hoffman because he made The Master the stunning, creepy, jagged and nasty thing that it was. I watched the scene where he explodes on Laura Dern over and over and over again and in the process discharged years of residual dislike for unctuous New Agers like Louise Hay and Deepak Chopra all in one heartbeat. The Master tells us why we can become stupid and stupider via magical thinking and why we live half-lives and then die — and without Hoffman this insight would not have occurred.)
Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway but why? She fucks in a box, shaves her head and sings/quavers: As The New Yorker‘s Anthony Lane noted on this performance: “I screamed a scream.” Nothing against this woman, one of the hardest working in showbiz [now that James Brown is dead] but no, just N.O.! (Should: I thought Sally Field was perfect in Lincoln, a formidable job for a what could have been the most cliched character in the film. Give the gal a third Oscar. I liked her, I really liked her).
Song: Skyfall (Should: Skyfall, Adele‘s offering to the Bond franchise is probably the best in 25 years. I usually cringe while listening and trying to enjoy the fun opening credits, but this was finally a great match).
Please feel free to share your predictions below, or tell me how wrong I am and how I will pay the price for my slander by being forced to watch the classic 15-minute Allan Carr opening number featuring Snow White and Robb Lowe non-stop on my deathbed.
Enjoy the evening guys!