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 ough Trade, Daddy, Golden Boy, Sailor, Jock, Blue Collar Stud: these are just a few of the fantasies men seek when on the prowl for Casual Sex. When we're cruising the parks, the docks, the over-heated back rooms of run-down bars in dangerous neighborhoods, we're not looking to get it on with some flesh-and-blood, normal guy who works in a cubicle in a downtown office, or is worrying about the clunking noise his car engine was making that morning, or who is wondering if his hair is getting thin on top. No, Casual Sex is all about the hunt for something bigger than ourselves, more stripped down, an ideal of The Male, some fantasy, some archetype we can fall into and drown in. That is, at least until the shuddering release of orgasm brings us back our regular selves again. When we're down on our knees in some unlit alley, at that moment the, cock we're sucking on is not the cock of a single man, but God's Cock.
Sex between partners can be a personal act of self-to-self acknowledgment, a means of expressing close feelings between two people who already have achieved at least some degree of intimacy. In this case, the sex act is used as a means of expressing and enhancing this emotional bond. This type of sex could be referred to as Intimate Sex. It can develop into an intensely personal physical connection that only grows stronger as two individuals reveal their selves to each other. Casual Sex, however, operates on a different plane. This sex draws strength primarily from fantasy. The pleasure derived from this type of sex is directly proportional to the degree of success that the partner has in assuming the ideal, the archetype. Ideals by definition are limited: the more an individual reveals his own distinct personality, the more difficult it is for the partner to maintain whatever fantasy is being invoked. Nothing takes the fun out of Casual Sex quicker than personal disclosure. The Western Judeo-Christian culture has for centuries extolled the virtues of Intimate Sex while roundly condemning Casual Sex. In this cultural perspective, only Intimate Sex can lay any claims to "the Spirit"; Casual Sex is dismissed as an urge of our animal bodies (or, in the Fundamentalist churches, the temptation of Satan) that must be transcended for the sake of our spiritual development. This results in expressions of Casual Sex invariably linked to feelings of shame and remorse. Most schools of Western psychology enhanced this theme: Intimate Sex is the manifestation of a well-adjusted, And yet, there are characteristics of Casual Sex that can take on the aspect of a "religious experience." Casual Sex seeks to transcend, to connect and identify with a concept greater than our personal selves. The partner loses his own personality and identity and becomes an ideal of The Male. In successful Casual Sex, the egos of both partners can dissolve into the act of sex itself. Casual Sex is a form of worship of a principle of beauty momentarily incorporated within the body of the partner. Despised as it is, Casual Sex does happen. And in the already marginalized gay subculture, it happens often. But because this subculture in many ways has taken on the values of the main culture that despises it, the arenas where Casual Sex is most frequently played out are full of contradictions. The same guilts and condemnations that accompany Casual Sex in the mainstream can manifest themselves in the gay world in a number of different ways: a lack of respect towards one's partners, contempt, rudeness, emotional coldness. More often than not, Casual Sex is split off from the day-to-day experiences and identities of gay men and relegated a separate role. It's not incorporated into the rest of our personality, or imbued with our humanity and compassion. Problems also arise when partners fail to recognize the differences between the two sex drives. A partner seeking Intimate Sex may view a partner seeking Casual Sex as shallow and objectifying. A partner seeking Casual Sex may see a partner seeking Intimate Sex as clinging and smothering. The gay subculture does have one distinct and powerful advantage over the straight main culture: a much greater opportunity to experiment with different types of sexual roles and relationships (our outlaw status at least has some compensations.) About the only relational model that the straight world offers up as acceptable is one-on-one monogamy. This model goes a long way towards validating Intimate Sex, but it discredits and suppresses Casual Sex almost entirely (except in fantasy role-playing between monogamous partners, and even that is usually grudgingly conceded as normal.) An interesting challenge would be to look at Casual Sex in a non-judgmental manner and speculate on how it could be integrated into our lives in a way that could conform with Buddhist dharma. If this were possible, then what form would Casual Sex take? Could an individual openly and honestly balance an Intimate relationship with one person successfully with Casual sexual experiences outside of the relationship? Are Casual Sex and Buddhist dharma innately contradictory, or is there common ground? Criteria set by Buddhist dharma include a movement away from greater suffering and towards greater inter-connectedness. If the Casual Sex drive is acknowledged and understood, if partners enter into an Casual Sexual experience openly and honestly, if care is taken to treat each other lovingly and with joy, if the sex is not colored by craving or clinging, could this form of sex, even if between strangers, be consistent with Buddhist dharma? To better examine this, it might prove useful to examine criticisms levied against Casual Sex and try to respond to them. Casual Sex treats the partner like an object. Actually, it treats the partner like an ideal. The partner isn't just a body, but an avatar of The Male, in whatever particular image is being currently evoked. Casual Sex lacks intimacy. This depends on how intimacy is defined. Casual Sex does little to acknowledge the day-to-day identity with which a partner usually associates himself. But Casual Sexual experiences can bring two (or more) people together, sometimes in some powerfully transcendental ways. If they walk away afterwards and never see each other again, this doesn't mean that intimacy did not occur for the moment. Casual Sex can become addictive. So can Intimate Sex. The challenge is to remain aware and conscious, avoid craving and clinging, and strive to act in the moment. Casual Sex leaves a person feeling empty afterwards. If a person is seeking Intimate Sex and engages in Casual Sex instead, this can be true. The challenge here is to attempt to be clear in one's motives and desires. Engaging in Casual Sex needn't preclude having intimacy needs met in other relationships, sexual or otherwise. Casual Sex discriminates in favor of the young and physically attractive. Those who are neither are treated as second-class citizens. Casual Sex discriminates in favor of whoever most successfully embodies the archetype in question. The American culture does tend to fixate on youth and sets up specific standards of beauty. But there are ideals that define beauty in ways different than the norm (e.g., the Daddy archetype features older men). Whatever the given archetype is, however, it's true that there will be people who fall outside of it. Condemning this will not make the dynamic stop, it will just push it underground. There are ways for someone who falls outside the archetype to still honor it and participate with it in some capacity. If participants of Casual Sex also honor the dharma, then the challenge is how to deal with potential players with kindness and respect, even in the act of rejection (this same challenge exists for those seeking Intimate Sex). An even greater challenge, however, would be in finding creative ways of including would-be participants who might normally be excluded. In closing, Casual Sex cannot satisfy all basic human needs for intimacy and love. A steady diet of nothing but Casual Sex would lead to tremendous imbalance, which in turn would most likely |
 Bob Vickery is a regular contributor to Nightcharm and various websites and magazines, particularly Men and Freshmen. He has three anthologies of stories published: Skin Deep, Cock Tales, and the soon-to-be released Cocksure, and he also has stories in numerous other anthologies, including Friction (volumes 1 through 5), Best of Friction, Best Gay Erotica 1999 and 2001, Queer Dharma, and others. Love, Lust and Repetition, a movie by independent filmmaker Edgar Bravo and based on two of Bob's stories is currently in production.
Bob, who lives in San Francisco, identifies as a Buddhist and practices in the Zen tradition. He is also active in the Gay Buddhist Fellowship, a sangha of gay men who come from the various Buddhist traditions and meet regularly for meditation and dharma study. Bob was the head muffin baker for seven years in a Zen monastery a few miles north of San Francisco, and still bakes there on a part-time basis. He is also a great admirer and follower of the teachings of the integral philosopher, Ken Wilber. Bob tries, not always successfully, to weave his spiritual practice with his sexuality, and considers the whole process to be an ever unfolding mystery. |
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actualized personality; Casual Sex is the sign of arrested development, an immature personality stuck in adolescent fantasies. Within this context, it has proven difficult to examine Casual Sex nonjudgmentally. Attempts to understand its nature are colored by negative assumptions and terminology. The options regarding Casual Sex include repressing the urge, sublimating it, or acting it out in secretive, furtive ways that carry a stiff penalty if the perpetrator is caught (think of the image of Jimmy Swaggart confessing his lapses with whores before the camera, his face streaming with tears of remorse).
