Class: you don’t need money, titles, or status symbols to have it, but — but — it’s either in you or it’s not. Some men move through life with a poised, quiet, dignified stoicism that’s magnetic in its gravity. Other guys, well… their big contribution amounts to throwing it around town like paperboys.

There’s countless epithets you can hurl at a woman’s easy virtue, and society tends to bifurcate the female identity into a virgin/whore mirror image, yet I found myself struggling to come up with derogatory terms to classify a less-than-courtly man in my title. We wouldn’t even have gay porn if it weren’t for a certain type of man with boundary issues who says “A daisy chain on top of a bar?! Where to I sign!?” with nary a reservation, and some men are just born with the perfect hustler mentality that allows them to take risks the rest of us would balk at. As bad as the cliche is, I imagine deep down that most of us crave a hot piece who’s a dreamy angel in the kitchen and a heat-seeking whore in the hay. (read the full article)

Yes, all advertising execs ceased their mental developments at age thirteen.

I’m fairly certain that many a gay man’s body enhancement obsession can be directly linked to this ad and its variants which aired during many of our formative years. Gym equipment, gay workout shorts, the idealized self reflected in the magic mirror — all of it achievable if you just chug gallons of milk. Didn’t we all drink it, but how many of us grew up into fucking Disney princes? Straight Disney princes? And what about stage two of the transformation in which we become hot Chachi-voiced guys from the Bronx?

Still waiting!

Imagine Neneh Cherry’s “Buffalo Stance” — a smackdown against the urban exploitation of women — crossbred with Riot Grrl duo Shampoo’s back-off-muthafucka kiss-off “Don’t Call Me Babe” and Garfunkel & Oates’s “This Party Took A Turn For The Douche” would be the end result.

Today in Urban Dictionary terms we love:

Dick Dracula: a girl [or guy] who loves suckin’ on the cock. Does it for her [his] own enjoyment as much as the guy’s. Dick Draculas can become so notorious that they earn the name “Count Cock.”

Conversational usage:

“Fuck, man! I know I was blitzed last night, but that dude clamped down onto my cock and went off! It was like getting a hummer from a python!”

hattip to Don Shewey

See also: Blood & Guts in High School: The Will & Grace Years.

This is so over-the-top that it feels like it should be a parody.

Yes, it would be wicked awesome if we had a well-meaning, uncheckable king to daddy our every move, make us have babies, and keep us from sluttin’ it up with other men. Monarchs who rule by divine right have always looked out for their subjects’ best interests, and nothing could possibly go wrong if we tried it now.

I’m also frankly becoming ever-more distressed by the alarming number of grown men sporting too-young pixie Hobbit ‘dos.

A 12-step cure-all for the Gay, courtesy of the The Catholic Diocese of Colorado Springs:

1. We admitted that we were powerless over homosexuality and our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of our character.

7. We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make direct amends to them all.

9. We made the direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of God’s Will for us and the power to carry it out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Because if there’s a successful model for rehabilitating people through a mixture of shame-faced groveling and powerlessness before an invisible Oz-like deity, then AA is it.