Kirk Cameron, twink-cutie from Growing Pains, now an evangelical Christian starring in low-budget Christian movies about — what else? — the fiery destruction of the world.

As crazy evangelicals go, Kirk is pretty accommodating. How accommodating? Watch him squirm with delight as the good Reverend Quacktard instructs him on how God made bananas — really big ones

A fascinating show-and-tell that all Nightcharmers will profit by:

MEMO TO GOD:
We love your bananas, but prefer the ones that, you know, squirt.

Aren’t babies beau-ti-ful?

Don’t you wish you could have 10 of them! All those little bundles of joy screaming in the adorable way they do? And they grow up to look just like you! What a tribute!

Only Diane Arbus, a photog- rapher with an eye for the gothic in ordinary life (whose pictures you see here), could capture the rude humanity of it all.

Ah, marriage and bay-bees!

Yeah, and the heteros can keep it, say we.

Tom Cruise, for instance. Katie Holmes, for another. What a couple! But Katie — is that a beach ball you’re wearing under your maternity top or have you just been going all Britney on the spare ribs? We loved how Defamer deconstructed a recent photo of Mama Cruise — or as they describes her, the “Scientology war bride”: (more…)

WTF has happened to Madonna? Have you seen the recent cover of OUT magazine?

Oh wait, we’re getting a transmission from Planet Plastic Surgery. The message reads as follows:

After years of studying the Kabbalah, Madonna has evolved into a Higher Being. One Problem: The Being is from Alpha Centauri.

Madonna is to be avoided at all costs! If you see her, do not — repeat, DO NOT — look into her eyes — unless you do so through lead shields. Only then will her gaze not scramble your DNA. (more…)

“The Bush administration is beginning to look like the fourth season of Saved by the Bell, ” says Jace Monteith, a self-described “Jump the Shark” expert in an article on the Truthdig website.

Jumping the Shark — as bleary-eyed TV fans know — is when a long-running series runs dry and starts resorting to off-topic storylines. Examples:

• the Fifties greaser Fonzie on Happy Days suddenly goes watersking (in his leather jacket) and jumps sharks.
• The abrupt discovery of gigorgeous Patrick Duffy, alive and naked, in a shower on Dallas and its preposterous explanation: that the entire 7th season, in which Duffy had died, was Pam Ewing’s dream.
• Or, simply, the appearance last year of Faye Dunaway as a judge on a reality show — a warning sign, as if we needed one, of just how far into left field reality has moved. Each week on The Starlet, our Faye got to deliver her very own ice-cold tagline. “Don’t call us,” she’d say with leaping eyes and rictus leer. “We’ll call you!”

Thanks to the strong leadership of our President, Lion of Baghdad, Defender of Marriage, Savior of New Orleans, Protector of the Brain-Dead and the Unborn, who has improved us all with his manly resolve — as exhibited recently in this thoughtful statement: “Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat” — yes this Man, this Man for All Seasons, has taken us all up and over that last and ultimate shark: (more…)

But officer, she looked like Cher!

The trannies of Bangkok have a new way of welcoming lonely tourists to Thailand. The Associate Press is reporting the arrest tonight of three she-males, members of a “transvestite gang” (we can only imagine!), who have confessed to concealing strong sedative pills under their tongues, then spitting them down the throats of their victims during “deep kissing.” (more…)

Imagine driving through town and seeing the above contraption placed in front of your neighbor’s garage. What in the hell is it? Who made it? And more: What are they doing with it? Fret not. Author and photographer Timothy Archibald explains it all to you in his fascinating book Sex Machines. (more…)

From the network that gave us the bone-chilling Nancy Grace, Court TV is set to unleash John Waters on an all too deserving public.

The second-string cable network, buoyed up by the notoriety the E! channel gained from instant reenactments of the Michael Jackson trial (which starred a professional Jackson impersonator who, we were told, had kept up with all the surgeries), Court TV is currently filming Til Death Do Us Part — a series that will feature scripted reenactments of real-life spousal murders, each introduced by Waters (left) as “The Groom Reaper,” a sort of creepier Rod Sterling.

Appearing always as a guest at the wedding that will start each show, Waters, himself a notoriously out-and-in-your-face gay man, will make wry remarks, we hope, about the sanctity of such unions which, alas, will always end with somebody getting shot, stabbed or bludgeoned. The first show to air will center on a woman who hacked her husband to death with a hatchet — and then, amazingly, plead self-defense. (more…)

All summer long Cindy Sheehan sat outside the ranch in Crawford. She had one question for the President: what was the noble cause that her son had died for? Well, Cindy, we think we have your answer!

As an estimated 100,000 people gather in Washington today for one of the largest anti-war rallies since the bad old Ho Chi Minh days, it becomes more and more obvious that we have made the world safer for full-blown Islamic theocracies. Capitalism Americana meets the Sharia in the starry-eyed little charmer, above, an Islamically correct Barbie-lookalike (that Mattel Barbie, much to its grief, has nothing to do with) is causing a sensation in the Axis of Evil — Little Girl branch (more…)