But what about the gay penguins? Ray and Silo at the Central Park Zoo in free-thinking Manhattan? They’re very much in love, billing and cooing and driving the female penguins into a frosty huff. They’re also raising a chick. What would Jesus do, Pat Robertson? Please Pat, as the official Mayor of Crazy Town, comment soon. (more…)

Italian strega Camille Paglia — author of my favorite book of the summer: the electric hot-pink Break, Blow, Burn (a poetry primer for brainy imbeciles) — has finally assumed the role I always knew, always hoped, she would: Pagan High Priestess rumbling out spooky Pop Icon Prophecies that she channels from magazine photos and Access Hollywood.

Case in point: Kabbalah kibitzer Madonna and her recent tweedy romp through the August issue of Vogue:

Camille, like myself, didn’t want to miss that issue, but unlike the rest of us who casually scanned its series of staged Grand Lady Madonna photos, Paglia saw misfortune in the photos. And yet what were they but typical Vogue fare (at least to the naked, uninitiated eye). There was Madonna feeding chickens … Madonna in cozy bed with children … Madonna on the lawn in a summer dress that foamed like a wave on the ground … Madonna on horse… (more…)

Thus speaketh the Education President.

It’s a well-known story, but lets relive it, shall we? During one of his first debates, when asked who his favorite philosopher was, George W. Bush replied — but, of course — "Jesus." The questioner, as we recalled, was visibly stunned: "Could you … well, elaborate?""Jesus!" repeated Bush with a curt nod of his head as if to give notice that he was putting a period at the end of a finished answer. Again the staggered moderator tried, "Y-yes … ?" The lips of the candidate pursed all to one side in a peevish smirk before George finally saw his way home. "Because," he said with a majestic lift of his chin, "He changed my heart!" (more…)

What’s wrong with this photo? Actually nothing. And that’s the problem.

Mariah Carey has just left a pricey LA bistro after a glitzy awards party when she spots a homeless man in a wheelchair. What a perfect photo-op, thinks the effervescent Mariah. With photographers nearby, she wants to promote her upcoming appearance at Live 8 — a concert designed to somehow solve all the poverty and hunger in Africa. A noble goal, reasons Mariah, and one she has already made a stab at — by going on a diet, perhaps imagining that less food for Mariah means more food for Nigeria. (more…)

We hear that the increasingly sci-fi Star Jones confided to the coffee-klatch audience of The View that were she ever to end up in Terri Schiavo La-La Land, she has a living will that instructs doctors NOT to unplug any plugs or remove any damn feeding tubes, thank you very much.

Being a devout Christian gal, who offered tips on "Christian dating" in a recent book and subsequently married a very pretty mocha-colored Christian man (who has allegedly been known to fall to his knees in trembling paroxysms of prayer while ministering to the wayward homosexuals of Fire Island), Star is a vocal advocate for the "culture of life" — her own. (more…)

This picture is winging its way around the globe. We already recieved our fifth email today with the thing attached. The file is named “irauikids.bmp” and the sign the lads are holding simply says: STILL SAFER HERE THAN AT MICHAEL JACKSON’S.

Meanwhile, the best quip we’ve heard about All Things El Jacko remains the one Tina Brown made recently in the Washington Post:

"Either Jackson is a complete lunatic who slept with young boys and didn’t fondle them or he’s a complete lunatic who slept with young boys and did."

Discuss!

Pre-Easter Psychic Predictions (or pronouncements or reviews or whatever) from:

Barbara Bush on Hillary. Tremble in awe.

John Edward on Terri. Watch the video.

Business 2.0 on Apple. Uber Cool.

New York Times on Camille. Blow. Bang. Boom!

OOH, GIRL! DO YOU HAVE A LICENSE FOR THOSE THANGS!

This today from Popbitch, the nasty gossip-newsletter from the U.K. that never fails to warm our hearts:

"Legendary stripper Tawny Peaks has just sold the implants from her 69HH breasts on eBay for $16,766. Tawny became infamous in 1998 when a patron at the Diamond Dolls nightclub in Clearwater, Florida sued her, claiming he suffered a whiplash injury when she swung her breasts into his face. He said they were ‘like two cement blocks.’

"The case went to arbitration on The People’s Court TV show and the judge, former New York City Mayor Ed Koch, ordered a female bailiff to examine Peaks in private, where Tawny’s breasts were found to be "soft." Koch ruled they were not dangerous and refused to award damages. Peaks said she has since become "kind of a recluse." (more…)