There are two red-flag, deal-breaking traits that can instantly make a man repellent, and both start with a V.

Violence and Vanity.

Look, we all go for a certain manly vigor, but if a guy flips out over everything and starts bashing his head against or wall or has a stockpile of weapons, that’s a whole other bag.

Conversely, you don’t want a guy who’s such a supercilious, preening peacock that he instantly seeks out any reflective surface and acts like he’s gracing you with his presence. No, that kind of excessive self-regard is enough to send me clamoring for the nearest window, and boy, is it everywhere lately.

What maketh a douchebag? It’s a sobriquet everyone throws around, but do you ever ask yourself what that state of being entails? I would define ‘baggery as being comprised of at least two of the following elements:

1) An aggressively macho swagger usually manifested by ostentatious clothing and hairstyles, curious gesticulations of the hands, a reliance on a Zoolander pout as a go-to expression, and the tendency to drape yourself in gold and jewels.

2) The penchant to ascribe to a sexually mercenary ethos in which any and all sex partners are just minor collisions you hit and forget.

3) An unjustifiably self-aggrandized level of self-esteem of both your personal charm and physical pulchritude — I would argue many is the douche who suffers from a weird body dysmorphia that makes his mirror image look better than it actually does — that must be the result of too much parental positive reinforcement and too few peer-delivered beatings.

4) The embracing of a morally bankrupt Bad As I Wanna Be, Bitch! ID-based personal philosophy that totally overrides the Superego while simultaneously colluding with the easily swayed and solipsistic Ego.

5) Far, far too much easy access to electronic and digital media.

So yes, Douchebaggery is tough to singularly define, but like obscenity, you know it when confronted with its distinct presence. (read the full article)

In high school, history classes were usually painfully boring lectures about how we lost the War of Northern Aggression, which was typically met with me daydreaming about my hot gym teacher. This usually meant me failing the test and running out of class hiding a massive erection behind my Lisa Frank trapper keeper.

Thankfully, someone made Bangable Dudes in History, a blog that can catch you up on the best side of history (i.e. who’s hot and most interesting). BDiH gives you everything a good history lesson needs, a hot man (or woman), a little known fact, and a laugh. Not to mention that each subject’s bangability is analyzed via a color-coded pie chart constructed using fun facts about each dreamboat.

My high school teachers could have taken some notes from this blog. Perhaps then I could have put my raging hormones to a more constructive use. For example, had I known that Ernest Hemingway (above left) was a hot Active Duty-looking, booze-slamming, running-with-the-bulls-crazy asshole; I might have read the damned Old Man and the Sea!

Alas, all I can do is fill in some of the blanks left by my shitty southern public school education with Bangable Dudes in History.

Eeeeeeeewwwww!

I never went through an attempted hetero phase during my formative years in which I dated a girl I went to school with. I can’t stand the very thought of having beautiful, nubile girls with their Bambi eyes, flaxen hair, glossy lips, and firm breasts touching me with wild, lusty abandon in their eyes. I’ll kill myself first — I’d rather die!

I’ll dance to death!

Still, if you’re one of those guys who gave it the old high school try, then your former beard may want to engage in some pointless nostalgia for her clueless days, and now she can thanks to My High School Boyfriend Was Gay — a side-splitting site “devoted to our most embarrassing, hilarious, tragic, heinous and stylish memories.” Submit your own cherished delusional memories! Show how cosmopolitan and with-it you’ve become since your freshman year at Sweet Valley High and your misspent years with Tad! Finally out your husband!

Closure!

Hat tip to Joe My God.

Have you ever had something you wish you could say but didn’t have the balls to actually say it?

Let me introduce you to The Wishing Well, the place to finally get those things off of your chest. Kind of like PostSecret without the artistic inclination, “The Wishing Well is a space where gay men can express the thoughts or feelings about another man that they can’t say to him in person, for whatever reason.”

While often about lost or tainted love, the topics actually go deeper than just those things you wish you had told your ex. The completely anonymous forum allows the “wisher” to relinquish his darkest confessions.

These confessions range from the funny:

“The whole time you were rimming me (which was aaages) all I needed to do was fart!”

To the honest:

“When you told me you were positive I fell in love with you a bit”

To the sad:

“I got into a huge fight with my mom, and she shot me with ‘What parent will want a gay doctor for their children?’ I don’t really want to be a pediatrician any more.”

No topic is off limits at the Wishing Well; it’s a place to just let it out, and with the ability to comment on other people’s “wishes,” you may find that you’re not alone in your secret.

Don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus? Neglecting to spend your Sundays in a steepled building for the purpose of communal face time? Do you exude a provocative sexual vibe with your full, pouty lips and high-sitting ass that incites men of all ages to want to fall upon you with feral, unfettered lust?

Fuckin’ A! — you’ll love StuffFundiesLike, a down-the-rabbit-hole chronicling the various ephemera that make the Fundies of the this great nation practically swallow their tongues in spastic genuflection while a cavorting strumpet like can you only laugh like the mocking, ice-hearted Whore of Babylon you are.

Full of hilarious visual aids and an absolutely biting wit, SFL is not afraid to tackle the tough questions surrounding American Fundamentalism — in which the faithful are all dutiful, sinned-against angels and the unsaved are vicious goons out to get them — up to and including:

1. Why are all these wayward hippy youths donning long hair when they know that Jesus had a regulation crew cut and clearly hates The Beatles?

2. How come it’s impossible to differentiate a random hallway in a mental institution from one in a Christian college dorm?

3. Why do apostates — there are no Atheists, only lapsed Christians — dare to skip church when it will certainly result in sudden and fateful death by misadventure?

4. Is it the Holy Spirit itself that keeps Fundy Fashions frozen in decades-old rifts in time full of madras jackets, Gidget hair, and Topsiders?

So repent — Now! This minute! You fool! — or go to Hell on a greased pole!

So you’ve set your sights on having your own gayby, but you’re fretting about what to call it. You need to choose wisely, because the wrong name will effectively doom a child from square one. If you brand a girl with a soap opera name like Cassidy, Kendall, or Harmony, she will be a major bitch and end up either as a high end escort or a senator’s mistress.

Just imagine all of the childhood playground beatings and eventual rehab that celebrities could have spared their kiddies if they only would’ve thought for a moment before name-cursing them with the likes of Tu Morrow, Moxie Crimefighter, Pilot Inspektor, Audio Science, and Reignbeau? Really, what chance does a girl named Trinket Flowers or a boy called Jadynaire actually have at life?

So it you want to be original and daring while still keepin’ it classy, then make a point of checking out The Utah Baby Namer, whose cup runneth over with vowel-y agnomens straight out of a Little House On The Prairie episode or a late-’70s Marvel Lost World comic book. Why, you could almost swear that the Mormons were trying to stave off the wholesome boredom of their lives through name scrabble.

Our personal faves for a boy, all guaranteed to make his segue into gay porn that much more seamless: Amren, Antrim Zeezrom, Atreyu (“Tuuuuuurn around — look at what you seeeeeeee!”), Bailyn (very Middle Earth), Bedlam (Dibs!), Bliss, Breed (Boo-ya!), Cage, Chevrolette, Cree-L, Djeryd Teancum, Dwodger, Garn, Honey Baretta, Iron Rod, J?Dee (seriously), Kaiden Chipper, Leviathan, Lucky Blue, Mavryck, Pledger, Radbod, Shaygan, Slaughter, Tat, Traxton Tick, Vilar Bodily, and Zinx.

Feeling horny but not quite sure where to go on the expansive web to get your rocks off? No need to worry, there is a little angel — or demon — who will help guide you through the daunting world of internet porn. GayDemon is a website that strives to be the authority on all that is gay internet porn.

What started in 1999 as a link list of creator “B’s” favorite websites, has grown into an expansive and stylish index for the best in gay porn. The site features a directory of more than 30,000 adult websites with almost 1,000 extensive site reviews, all indexed by interest, popularity, and ratings. If that is all too much to take in, the GayDemon Blog, or one of the free image galleries, will give you a daily dose of erotica from one of Demon’s featured sites.

For those porn connoisseurs who prefer the stimulus of a more literary nature, there is a collection of erotic stories submitted by users. No matter who you are or what you’re into, GayDemon will help you find the perfect site to help cure what ails you. You may even find yourself a new fetish! Don’t worry, if you’re not sure what olfactophilia, narratopilia, or peodeiktophilia are, there is a dictionary to help you figure it all out.

Check out GayDemon here and have fun!

If you know the difference between scruff and a scrum, and find them both incredibly hot, check out the Australian based blog For the Love of Rugby & Bears.

While I am still reeling from Sunday’s Bears vs. Seahawks game, football has always left something to be desired. Rugby, on the other hand, has everything you could want in a sport, an exciting game full of  strapping men in shorts tackling the hell out of each other. This apparent blood lust may also explain my infatuation with UFC.

If you think rugby is a superior sport, or just find the players to be superior specimens, check out FLRB.

I’m largely ambivalent about the holidays this year.

The forced sentimentality, the self-martyring Christian hand-wringing, human beings trampling each other like lemmings for home theaters, the syrupy TV movies starring Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Rob Lowe — combined it’s all enough to make any Atheist with deep-seated misanthropic tendencies and nothing to lose want to cut a bitch.

Only one thing can warm the cockles of this heart of ice: the niche that is amateur Xmas porn.

The cornucopia MerryXXXmas has taught me to love again in a way that visiting Christmas spirits or being inappropriately touched by an angel ever could. There’s enough here to supply me with thousands of Lurid Digs entries, and some are so magical that I want to encase them in a shakeable snow globe for posterity.

How can I even choose a fave? The Ben Cohen-ish guy with Charlie the Jack-In-The-Box from the Island of Misfit Toys posed at groin-level? The naked guy laying by the Christmas tree who’s either been ruffied or nodded off waiting for Santa? The two hot geeks seated naked on a pile of comics with a Tolkien poster and snuggly Transformers blankies as backdrops? It all makes me want to deck the halls hard and nasty.

One caveat though: however will the elves find a box big enough for the gigantic muscle bear in red briefs with a Santa buckle? And what the hell am I going to feed him?

No, not a porn site for Christ’s sake.

Would the creators of such tawdry pit-stops as Lurid Digs and Trainwrecks honor something as unnoteworthy as porn?

No, this year we cast our eye far beyond the cock (and ass) and decided to esteem a site that helps each of us remember why we celebrate being homosexual. Sites that remind us that being an Outsider is a good thing, especially if ostracism equates with having escaped the soul-killing clutches of “The American Family.”

Which leads me to this year’s award winner: The fabulous aggregate site Awkward Family Photos.

Aside from the whimsical (and hot) candid gems, like the opening wedding album shot pictured above, Awkward Family Photos reminds us of how truly horrid childhood can be. How uncaring and narcissistic parents often are. Remember Shawn Baker‘s surreal deconstruction of this shot, last month? (read the full article)