Memo to the Fundies: never try to upstage a gay on his own turf.

Hat tip to Joe My God.

Based solely on this clip, I have to presume that I would not throw shade at the 1981 Valley of The Dolls TV miniseries, though Jean Simmons as Helen really should’ve torn into the Rainbow Brite tracks on Lisa Hartman’s head. Tit for tat.

Not only does this adaption get points for replacing the kindly lady bathroom attendant with Nathan Lane, but I love how Hartman — who clearly robbed Pia Zadora of the role she was born to essay — is clad to apparently accept the AVN award for Best Anal Sex Scene.

Brava.

If the world seems that much dimmer today, it’s because it lost one of its most precious graces.

Tura Satana — the definitive cult actress whose countenance should adorn a temple or mountain, goddamnit — died Friday in Reno, reportedly of heart failure.

If you don’t know Tura Satana by name and on sight, then you need to get schooled, bitch, because this chick ruled. Before there were female ass-kickers like Pam Grier, Ripley, Angela Mao Ying, Nomi Malone, Nikita, and Buffy, there was the immortal Varla from Russ Meyer’s blazing Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. In Satana’s able hands — and cavernous cleavage — an icon was born. (read the full article)

The best of Mr. Humphries from Are You Being Served?

Irrefutable proof that The Black Swan is just an upscale art house remake of Showgirls. !sevil imoN

Frikkin’ boney ass Gaga can eat it hard at 2:51.

Ma Ma Ma Maaaaaaaaaa!

If you have yet to buy Christmas presents, instead of getting out of it by claiming Scientology like I’ve tried, here is a great idea for the last minute shopper and their loved ones,  or those to whom they are legally bound.

Amy Sedaris, best known for her character, Jerri Blank, in the Comedy Central show Strangers with Candy, has taken on crafting in her new book Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People. Remember when you were a kid and nothing brought you more joy than some glue, an old egg carton, and a giant box? With Simple Times, Sedaris is going to take you back to those times, or perhaps make you regret them.

A follow-up to her first book I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, Simple Times moves from faux-domesticity to crafts. With chapters covering topics such as confectionaries, handicraftables, the joys of poverty, crafting for Jesus, and crafting for the dead (and other celebrations); Sedaris provides absurdity and comedy, with some  surprisingly useful tips.

“Everything inspires me, I did some research, but a lot of the crafts are things you’ve seen before, Girl Scouts junior achievements… It’s celebrating all of those crafts we saw growing up…I hate crafts, can’t stand them actually, you can tell what crafts I’ve made because they look dangerous; but I’m good at finding people that are really good at something, and giving them an idea.”

The book features hilarious pictures of Sedaris in costume as a hippy, elderly shut-in, Native American, Jesus, and more. The pictures themselves make it a great coffee table book. Simple Times, despite it’s questionable practicality, will certainly get some solid laughs.

“Before him, swaying like a sapling in the wind, stood a woman. Her body was like ivory to his dazed gaze, and save for a light veil of gossamer, she was naked as the day. Her slender bare feet were whiter than the snow they spurned. She laughed down at the bewildered warrior. Her laughter was sweeter than the rippling of silvery fountains, and poisonous with cruel mockery.”

— Robert E. Howard, The Frost Giant’s Daughter

I am gay for Narnia.

I know the books at times play like a protracted Sunday school lesson, their collective morality is awfully facile, and their preoccupation with either turning adults back into dutiful kiddies or ditching kids when they start to mature is troubling. Still, I love the magical wardrobe, the faun, the lamppost that grows like a tree, and the enchanted winter.

And goddamnit, I love that witch. (read the full article)