I think we can all agree that movies and television have taught us that the world is chock full of beautiful, nubile girls ready to spread for vampires, werewolves, and other creatures who could very easily kill them.

It’s easy to overlook that we (the Gays) want to nail monsters too, and now we’re that much more able to approximate that dream thanks to the enterprising folks at Bad Dragon — purveyors of frankly awesome horror-, sci-fi-, and fantasy-themed sex toys perfect for those who like some monster wad in their Monster Squad.

Who hasn’t watched Fright Night or Xtro and thought, damn — I’d like to fuck that (guilty)? Forget about figurative devil dicks and monster cocks — check out David The Werewolf (above), Duke The Bad Dragon, and The Xenogen. The Tentacle can double as the perfect bookend for your Lovecraft compendium, and there’s even The Anthro Dragoness for all those troubled malajusts who like pussy (gross!).

So as a director, you hire a witty, randy, gay Scottish actor to slum it up in your Z-grade, mostly-dubbed over monster epic. He likely takes the job as an excuse for a vacation in an exotic setting, and he’s obviously laughing during sequences that are supposed to be tense and harrowing.

The time comes to shoot a key moment of romance between he and the film’s wooden leading lady after the horrible demise of another character. He’s a pro in the kiddie pool, so you let him improvise his dialogue in order to ratchet up his costar’s performance. He deadpans an ab-libbed line he assumes is destined for the cutting room floor, but because the project’s a total howler anyway, you opt to leave it in the final cut, thus ensuring Shark Attack 3: Megalodon‘s ascension into immortality and the coining of a douchey come-on that’s since been used countless times but has never actually scored.

Hat tip to Michael Adams.

I am putting all of my issues with gay stereotypes aside because this is hilarious and I adore Second City. This is for all of those girls who could have made better decisions with the help of a gay friend. Like I always say, behind every great man is an even greater woman, and behind that woman is a gay man.

And if you enjoyed that as much as I did, check out what would happen if Nina from Black Swan had a sassy gay friend.

I’m a devoted comic enthusiast, yet I don’t really go for traditional mainstays like superheroes, secret identities, and metahuman powers. I like ‘em weird: monsters, ghosts, antipathy, loners, zombies, black humor, crime, and teenage girls who kill things. Add a gay twist to any or all of the above and I’m there.

You want wacky? How about a chronicling of methalhead muscle monsters Henry Rollins and Glenn Danzig living together as partners and experiencing the tribulations of a long-term relationship? At first blush it looks like a juvenile gay-baiting joke and sounds like the result of a drinking binge (which, admittedly, it is, the creators endeavoring to “do something like Tom of Finland, but with Henry Rollins and Glenn Danzig.”), but Henry & Glenn Forever actually succeeds in being genuinely inspired, riotously clever, and — dare I? — surprisingly sweet. Plus you’ll realize that you’re not alone in secretly imagining Henry and Glenn buying each other naughty thongs or banging their humongous pecs against each other in an “I’ve got the biggest!” battle that takes a turn for the erotic.

The premise is sheer genius: Henry and Glenn are a cohabitating drama-prone couple whose domestic adventures include “cryfest diary entries, cringing self-doubt and mega-hilarious emo-meltdowns.” Glenn is the high-maintenance half of the duo plagued by self-doubt and broody insecurities, while Henry is the more stable one who gives great hugs and keeps it real. Friendly next door satanists Hall & Oates stop by, and hilarity ensues all around, and since Danzig hates the whole idea with seething contempt, you know it’s gotta be awesome.

The best of Mr. Humphries from Are You Being Served?