I think we can all agree that movies and television have taught us that the world is chock full of beautiful, nubile girls ready to spread for vampires, werewolves, and other creatures who could very easily kill them.

It’s easy to overlook that we (the Gays) want to nail monsters too, and now we’re that much more able to approximate that dream thanks to the enterprising folks at Bad Dragon — purveyors of frankly awesome horror-, sci-fi-, and fantasy-themed sex toys perfect for those who like some monster wad in their Monster Squad.

Who hasn’t watched Fright Night or Xtro and thought, damn — I’d like to fuck that (guilty)? Forget about figurative devil dicks and monster cocks — check out David The Werewolf (above), Duke The Bad Dragon, and The Xenogen. The Tentacle can double as the perfect bookend for your Lovecraft compendium, and there’s even The Anthro Dragoness for all those troubled malajusts who like pussy (gross!).

Genres and subcultures collide in the works of Ukrainian artist Bob Basset — the master mask maker whose work combines Bondage, Fetish, Steampunk Lit, and Industrial Sex into one eerily enigmatic artifice.

If you crossbred Pitof’s Vidocq with William Gibson’s Neuromancer and just a dash of Robocop, then Basset’s amazing array of leather-on-brass wonders would be the cybernetic progeny that results.

Hand-stitched ready-made masks will set you back about a grand, with custom jobs likely topping that, so these beauties are really for the serious collector more so than they are for the dabbler, but what a gift this would make for the master who has everything. Halloween, movies, masquerade balls, fetish cons, the private playroom — these sex machines are nothing if not multi-purpose. And anyway, money’s no object…

…when you’re in love with a strict machine.

Note the gay color-coding:

Evergreen: 6.3 – 7.1 in.
Lime: 5.9 – 6.3 in.
Tangerine: 5.3 – 5.9 in.
Salmon: 4.6 – 5.3 in.
Ruby: 3.8 – 4.6 in.

See also: The inverse correlation between IQ and penis size.

This is some mind-bendingly crazy vintage spank material.

Everything here –the Joe Gage- by way of Old Reliable-style model, the work boots, the southwest blanket, the fakey pine tree creeping in — is pretty damn pitch-perfect, but it’s the trippy backdrop that really sends this into the stratosphere. We’re talking a peyote-fueled vision quest here.

A standard-issue beach or roaring fire just can’t quite compare to a rainbow-hued valley vista from The Smurfs.

I’m a devoted comic enthusiast, yet I don’t really go for traditional mainstays like superheroes, secret identities, and metahuman powers. I like ‘em weird: monsters, ghosts, antipathy, loners, zombies, black humor, crime, and teenage girls who kill things. Add a gay twist to any or all of the above and I’m there.

You want wacky? How about a chronicling of methalhead muscle monsters Henry Rollins and Glenn Danzig living together as partners and experiencing the tribulations of a long-term relationship? At first blush it looks like a juvenile gay-baiting joke and sounds like the result of a drinking binge (which, admittedly, it is, the creators endeavoring to “do something like Tom of Finland, but with Henry Rollins and Glenn Danzig.”), but Henry & Glenn Forever actually succeeds in being genuinely inspired, riotously clever, and — dare I? — surprisingly sweet. Plus you’ll realize that you’re not alone in secretly imagining Henry and Glenn buying each other naughty thongs or banging their humongous pecs against each other in an “I’ve got the biggest!” battle that takes a turn for the erotic.

The premise is sheer genius: Henry and Glenn are a cohabitating drama-prone couple whose domestic adventures include “cryfest diary entries, cringing self-doubt and mega-hilarious emo-meltdowns.” Glenn is the high-maintenance half of the duo plagued by self-doubt and broody insecurities, while Henry is the more stable one who gives great hugs and keeps it real. Friendly next door satanists Hall & Oates stop by, and hilarity ensues all around, and since Danzig hates the whole idea with seething contempt, you know it’s gotta be awesome.

Can’t.

Watching.

Only laying eyes upon the ruins of Atlantis or maybe a unicorn could successfully make me divert my gaze.

These things are dangerous. You’ll end up like that little girl in The Anything Box if you don’t set limits. Fascination leads to obsession, and obsession leads to insanity. Pretty soon, family, work, and church fall by the wayside as you spend all day crankin’ it to the sight of haunches being tenderized and downward-sloping dicks slapping up and down, up and down, up and down.

This pretty much sums up everything wonderful and weird about the Net.

The Handmade Naughty Nerd Valentine Pillow:

“This is a fun and flirty gift for you or your valentine. Geometric quilted pattern in reds, pinks, creams, & black using new and vintage fabrics with antique mother of pearl buttons. The cover is removable and machine washable. Includes pillow & cover.”

I normally hate this holiday to my core, but I have to give and admit I find this pretty damn cute. It compliments my Billy Herrington handyman figma and plush Bone nicely.

Fellow nerds, get it on Etsy.

Evidence that drag is one of the oldest art forms.

Scientists in southern Spain unearthed shells used as pigment containers by the Neanderthals — the Flintstones equivalent of a makeup compact. While the Neanderthals were considered to be the less-intelligent subspecies of the homo sapiens (humans), this evidence is a huge scientific discovery suggesting that they were capable of some relative symbolic thought. The Neanderthals have always had a bum rap of being unintelligent, until now.

“This is the first secure evidence for their use of cosmetics. The use of these complex recipes is new. It’s more than body painting,” said the team of scientists.

Before their ultimate extinction around 30,000 years ago, you know there had to be some fierce gay Neanderthals working it out RuPaul style. I’ve always had my suspicion of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble making the bed rock in Bedrock.

Here’s to my surreptitious sexual thoughts as a child.

Do check out On The Set’s amazing array of TV set dollhouse replicas (he’s stacked, by the by), including this jaw-droppingly awesome miniature take on The Golden Girls set.