Porn, to me, can be boiled down to my simple need to admire large, gorgeous cock. I don’t really know what else it’s for, even as the studios labor to ensure that there are impressive train explosions or musical numbers sprinkled throughout the boffing. I can’t be alone when I say "Show me the dick."

Here’s a collection of the current crop of meat-rods that most reliably hold my attention.

Barrett Long has starred in what seems like hundreds of uninspired videos. Luckily, with a dick like his, inspiration is purely optional. It’s best when he’s demanding and talks dirty, of course. I dug his solo scene in Playback (available from Movie Mountain along with tons of his other videos), his recent stuff on My Brother’s Hot Friend (especially the scene where he destroys Kurt Wildwood’s cute little butt) and all that skeevy early stuff for Dink Flamingo.

Anton Adamos (a.k.a. Petri Kent, Axel Cane) is an enigma. I can’t tell you ten words about the man besides that timeless and sort of mysterious art shots of him have drifted all over the net over the past five years, and some of them look like they were taken in the ’80s while others look like modern studio shots. The only commercial video I know of which features him is Bel Ami’s XL Files Volume 3.

Harry Louis, a fixture on UK Naked Men, is known secondarily for his cute, perpetual smile, dangerous body, deep brown eyes — and primarily for his submarine-sandwich-style cock. No matter what strange get-up they put him in, or what sort of gawdy set they film him on, the godly cock is the main attraction. Don’t bother trying to look at anything else.

(read the full article)

Types. Everyone has one. Everyone is one.

The Boy Next Door. The Dreamboat. Mr. Right. Mr. Vain. Big, Dumb and Slutty. Every cliche exists in life. Some lose ground and become merely quaint. Others gather stream and become iconic. The It Type of the moment: Douchebags. They’re everywhere and this emerging new type is easy to nail but hard to nail down. Not soulful, tortured or cool enough to be true Bad Boys and too oversexed to be geeks, it seems to be sheer unwarranted self-belief in all-consuming ego that drives then. Hollywood — the lodestar of all that we love and loathe sexually — is churning these dipwads out by the bucketful. With a sea of Summer’s Eve to wade through, how ever does one choose the pioneers?

Now, for your pleasure and edification, the definitive Top Ten Guide to the Douchebag Pantheon featuring a dazzling array of deluded D-bags not soon forgotten:

10. Wilmer Valderrama: Fun-Sized Douche

Like technically hot-from-the-neck down Dax Shepard and Sean “I couldn’t decide on a first name” William Scott, Wilmer is yet another Ashton-Kutcher douche protegee. Wilmer really went against type on That ’70s Show by playing a petite, fey man-child with a strange name who could only get young women who had terrible emotional problems to spread for him. His real claim to be fame is his role as Hollywood’s preeminent Virgin Surgeon. All manner of unsuspecting young starlets are drawn to his magnetic douchiness. Either that or his immense tool, which Wilmer is always happy to boast about. Quoth the douche: “Honestly, I’ve been very blessed. This is the place where I will tell you, yes, I am cursed with this gift. It’s over 8 inches.” Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to be deflowered by this sawed-off lothario so that he can later rate you on a scale of 1 to 10? Fate has smiled again on Wilmer as he’s now essaying the role he was born for: portraying Francis “Ponch” Poncherello in the upcoming C.H.I.P.s remake, a part once made famous by his predecessor douche equivalent Erik Estrada. (read the full article)

1. Turn Your Fetish for Rigid Members Into the Toast of Manhattan

Robert Mapplethorpe combined the shock effect of hardcore S&M porn with the fashion lighting and stagey compositions of George Platt Lynes, a photographer of artistic male nudes from the 40’s and, in many ways, Mapplethorpe’s gay herald.

But where Lynes had concentrated on elegant male forms, Mapplethorpe, an artist of the 70’s, focused on images of hard-ons, such as the monster cock at top. In his own way, Mapplethorpe’s boners were just as elegantly framed and fit in smoothly with the rest of his portfolio,vaguely glamorous shots of underground celebrities like Patti Smith, Grace Jones and Keith Haring. (read the full article)

10. Stop with the Plywood Gloryholes, Please!

Not all productions have to have King Kong budgets. Cheap-o amateur releases have their own charm and enormous followings. A straight- looking dork with a tough set of pecs and guns to match can succeed at being sexy, lurid, erotic, brilliant, and worth every penny.

Thing is if we buy an amateur video, we should pay amateur prices. Yo, Mr. Porn Producer! Crummy lighting and plywood sets do not require putting your house up for a second mortgage. Renting a room at a Days Inn, as well as some Jenna Jameson videos for your star to watch, does not make this an Andrew Lloyd Webber extravaganza.

On the other hand when we buy the latest $79.95 big-budget bonanza, we damn well better get our money’s worth. It better be excessively overblown — in every sense of that word! Shot in villas and on foreign shores. For 80 bucks, we want a cast of thousands — great looking men having fantastic sex with hallucinatory sunset lighting everywhere.

And a soundtrack we can dance to.

9. Spare us the Shaved Man-Pussies

Shaving is for pussies — literally. Listen up, you princes of porn, you big-balled sultans of swing. The only part of you that should be shaved is your head — so that it more resembles a dick. You — no matter what you may feel deep down when men shower you with gifts and call you a movie star — are not a woman. If you were, a trimmed quim might be cool. Female genitals are hidden inside the body so it makes sense to clear away the brush.

But dig it, you’re a meat puppet, Jocko. It’s already hanging out there, ready to go. Bald pubic areas look awful. They infantalize and neuter a guy. It may be next to godliness, but when it comes to sex, there’s such a thing as being way too clean!

8. Not Enough Big Dicks

Sure, there are probably over eight million videos devoted solely to the glory of Monster Dick. We say, why not 80 million?

Cock-worship is at the heart of all things homo. It unites every gay male around one gigantic lingam pole, where we can join hands, revel in our commonality, and go quietly nuts.

If we don’t see the kind of cock that rates its own zip code on an average of one every cinema minute, we might think, oh shit, we’re sitting through The Hours again!

Don’t short shrift us. (read the full article)

Welcome to the United States of Rapture.

Can there ever be enough Jesus? Having won their War on Christmas (yes, we are happy to report, it will be held again next year) and signing up their flocks in Republican voter drives, and enlisting all those happy, shiny evangelicals as “Marriage Protectors” (not to be confused with Athletic Protectors), Christians in America are straining under their persecution.

It is a persecution that comes from living in a country where false religions are unpunished by public burnings at the stake, where science is still taken seriously, where the death prayers and earthquake fatwahs of the Reverend Pat Robinson have become — shock! — a national joke!

Because Jesus is simply not ubiquitous enough, not embedded in art, books, movies, songs and gift-shop brick-a-brac enough, Nightcharm lists some rare but recent sightings of this obscure First Century Deity — hard because in America, his hidden catacomb cult is relegated to megachurches, cable networks, and weekly councils with the President.

Here then are our favorite moments in Jesus USA.

Oops, we forgot. First a prayer from the Daily Show’s Jon Stewart. Please bow your head …

Amen. And take it away, Jesus …. (read the full article)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man with a spectacular body must be in want of a stripper gig in Vegas.

These boys dream of working on the Strip, the only Strip that matters: the Boulevard of Neon that stretches from Glitter Gulch to the Bellagio and Beyond.

And so they have very sensibly put their audition tapes on YouTube.

Who needs a “talent reel” or a bachelors degree in “Tele-Communications” — that college major unofficially, and quite universally, known as the School for Spokesmodels?

YouTube and balls of brass is all you need to get you through those golden casino doors.

Nightcharm presents a gaggle of stripper hopefuls for you to cast your cruel but fair eyes upon.

Score on a scale of 0 to 100. And try, try, try to find some place in your heart where you can be more Paula Abdul than Simon Cowell!
(read the full article)

We live, Gore Vidal observed during the Salem Witch Follies known as the Starr Investigation, in a nation “evenly divided between political reactionaries and religious maniacs.”

There isn’t a liberal in sight, he chortles — not a pretty sound — off the pages of The Last Empire — Essays 1992-2000 .

And, really, of all the “liberals” who have announced their candidacy for President in 2008, not a one wants to handle gay marriage in anything like a sober, informed way.

Not a one makes anything like a forthright declarative sentence in support of the full and equal civil rights of that dependable portion of their base that has been relegated to weekend trysts on Brokeback Mountain. (read the full article)

Okay, so far its been 24/7 Anna Nicole.

Every cable news station has turned into Access Hollywood.

War in Iraq? Bombs over Iran? Who gives a hoot!

All we wanna know is did Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband father Baby Dannielynn?

And so Nightcharm will scoop them all with 10 Totally True*, Totally Shocking Things About the Anna Nicole that Nobody Knew.

And when we say TRUE, we mean The Star true. We mean The Globe true! (At left, Anna does Marlyn in an ad for the animal-rights organization PETA.)

Here then are 10 things you’ll soon hear repeated — we’re sure — by the Inquiring Minds at 24/7 News, ever on the hunt to hike up ratings with new Anna Nicole tidbits. (read the full article)