“Restore 1791. Restore the ideas — not the slavery — don’t be four years old!”
How oh how could giving a national TV platform to a mentally disturbed, serial killer-haired wackadoo with prop comic aspirations and a penchant for playing dress-up not work out in the long term?
Two lascivious pretty boys taunt an aghast leathery Fundy by kissing while wearing their skinny gay jeans adjacent to a place of Liberal propaganda masquerading as “edumacation.”
“Burn them!”
OK, so I have zero interest in athletics of any kind, but I’ll do my best with this one:
So there’s this game called football, sort of a toned-down bloodsport in which genetic freaks are paid inordinate amounts of money to wear heavy padding and run for a whole three seconds before stopping. This football is often employed as a ham-fisted form of propaganda in which country singers who are little more than mouthpieces for the Right Wing perform unlistenable music in front of a green screen projecting the image of the White House, a galaxy of star-spangled fireworks, and suited-up behemoths looming over the capitol like Talos from Jason & The Argonauts.
There’s a big ultimate death match called the Superbowl that takes place every year and is really just an excuse for an aggressive corporate advertising blitz, and this year a website called ChurchXXX is seizing the opportunity to coordinate with this event in order to address a problem plaguing steepled, tax-exempt buildings everywhere: namely, members of the flock loving barely legal babes, nasty nymphos, and the bad boys of All Anal Action. You see, porn is as addictive as heroin, and even the most pious congregations are full of lost men of all ages who just can’t stop crankin’ shaft — no matter how many times they think of grandma under a tractor or Jesus giving them the side-eye. (read the full article)
Nasty Porn Taint n. 1. a figurative rock-and-a-hard-place in which a prospective big-C Conservative presidential candidate must opt to forgo the profit generated from making on-demand adult entertainment available in his chain of hotels if he hopes to accrue political capital from a constituency that tears its collective hair out at the thought that somewhere — anywhere — there is a person enjoying sexual stimulation and not conceiving a child in the most desultory manner possible.
2. The tendency for out-of-the-loop socially conservative nuisance groups to inadvertently incorporate generally-known and -used sex slang into their banner titles and mission statements, thus undercutting their own message with unintentional and irony-free hilarity enjoyed by those who masturbate without crying afterward.
You’re totally right, Jeffrey Toobin.
Andrew Shirvell’s virulent, obsessive anti-gay claims are just too kooky for a mainstream Right Wing political platform.
It’s not as if allegations of gays worshiping demons, forming secret societies designed to further elaborate conspiracies, holding Dionysian bacchanals by night, seducing vulnerable heterosexuals into their ranks, being key cronies in perpetuating the Holocaust, or fomenting general calamity and destruction by simply existing have ever been perpetuated by Social Conservatives.
And we appreciate your almost constant penchant for seeming bemusedly uncomfortable about connecting the most obvious of dots while seeming so utterly flaccid in the process.
The GOP would never knowingly hire a clearly unhinged, gay-hating zealot and stand by idly as he channels his impotent rage toward a lone college student, shirking any responsibility for enabling him when his unsettlingly manic history comes to light. And who could possibly fault CNN for giving regular air time to this sort of paranoia as a valid counterpoint to arguments for Civil Rights and expanded protections?
It’s not like anyone ever gets hurt by this sort of thing anyway.
Radio’s Midweek Politics/The David Pakman Show’s David Pakman here gets to experience the On Air equivalent of me being subjected to one of my crazy uncle’s diatribes about the Military surgically implanting a monitoring device inside him.
David supplies my “Bitch, please” eye-rolling and numb tuning-out, while the Ultra-Conservative (and uniformly gorgeous) tinfoil mad hatters of organizations that have “Family,” “American,” “Research,” “Values,” or “Marriage” in their titles bring the wackitude.
I’ve decided from now on that– in the spirit of fairness — I will be knee-jerkingly assessing the moral fortitude of all heterosexuals based on what I see depicted in Mardi Gras footage, Girls Gone Wild DVDS, straight gang bang gonzo movies, trashy nighttime soaps, sporting events, spring break, Jersey Shore, and Zalman King movies.
“Just to be able to lift up their eyes to a sky not black with savage devouring birds…”
God love her! Cindy Jacobs is back (and fabulously dressed by Prince‘s stylist)…Talking homo-marriage-bird-death-prophecy babble.
Count the double entendres and watch as his co-host struggles in vain to remain composed and not shoot “This bitch” glances at the camera.
