Society’s new sexual microcosm: the Men’s Room.

Gay Republican outings are the gift that just keeps on giving for us.

Not only do we get to witness years of pitiful self-loathing come crashing down upon a debased hypocrite, but we experience heterosexuals getting seriously deep as they ponder:

“Why, oh why!?” and “How could this have happened !?”

Their soul-searching always results in them wanting to peer into the murky depths of gay culture for the answer. If they really wanted to know, they’d look inward for the root cause.

Enter foxy, cerebral sex columnist Dan Savage to hold up a mirror to all the voyeuristic moralizing and lay bare what’s really driving Hetero Pillars of the Community into the stalls and headlines.

Larry Craig, like every other Right Wing closet case who’s been unearthed in the past seven years, has a problem, and no, it’s not just that he’s gay.

In the words of beleaguered outsider Dawn Weiner from Welcome To The Dollhouse: “Just because you’re a faggot doesn’t mean you’re an asshole.”

The problem is that Craig really believes he isn’t gay.

It takes years of denial, clandestine sexual encounters, go-through-the-motions marriages, and pathetic Bible thumping to get to that point. Gay is just the icing on top of a bitter cake made of delusion, dread, and sweet, sweet shame. Any self-respecting gay guy isn’t going to be caught dead doing it in a bathroom, much less in Minneapolis with this loser. (more…)

Warning!: an epidemic of cornholing-for-cash is upon us.

If you’re young, gay, and/or hard up for bucks, you may very well fall prey to whoring married men and lecherous geezers who are rabid for cock.

Alexyss K. Tylor — cable access hostess of the Atlanta-based Vagina Power and YouTube sensation — is ready to bust some ass wide open and expose the urban skin trade … with a vengeance! (more…)

 
I’m fighting the gays in the can so we don’t have to fight them in our own backyard.

That’s in essence the mission statement of Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Naugle, the latest in a very long line of Right Wing cranks bent on cleansing his lily white fiefdom of all those pesky homosexuals and their degenerate ways.

His grand design for stemming the lewd rainbow tide threatening to overrun the city? Robotic toilets designed to narc on their copulating occupants by automatically flinging open their stall doors during lurid activity. (more…)

Keep the pecker in the pants – or hire a bodyguard. That’s the moral of this Washington tale.

We begin with an Ode to the Imperiled Penis by one of our favorite wags, Vanity Fair editor James Wolcott

“You know, a penis is more than a phallic symbol made flesh,” rhapsodizes Wolcott. “It’s a warm, life-sized attachment that serves a number of utilitarian purposes, too, and over time develops its own wry personality and quirks, or so it can seem to its owner.

“Hence I suspect a lot of men will wince in sympathy at the prospect of the firm yet tender bond between Senator David Vitter and his penis being rudely severed by his vengeful wife. Nothing sends a shudder through the locker room faster than the bladed gleam of castration.”

Thus begins Wolcott’s hilarious meditation on the latest vice scandal to rock the Republican side of the aisle in Washington. Of course you’ve heard by now of Louisiana Senator David Vitter, charter member of the Bedroom Police and Defender of Marriage from Homosexuals, who was caught with his pants down.

Everyone with a TV has seen his boyish, if somewhat overfed, carb-face mouthing meas-culpas after his name turned up in a D.C. madame’s phone log, as well as on the client list of several New Orleans’ joy girls. And you also saw his wife standing beside him, looking mildly insane, like a starey-eyed Allison Janney, in that honky-tonk what-the-fuck-was-she-thinking jungle-print dress (shouldn’t they both have been in sack and ashes?) (more…)

Whatever Happened To John McCain?

As the reigning Baby Jane of the already creepy line up of Republican Presidential candidates, the snow-topped, fire hydrant-bodied septuagenarian is now dancing on the sand as the tide washes away all of his presidential dreams and his campaign dies of sunstroke.

His poll numbers have plummeted. His public image is like a battered pinata. The Straight Talk Bus is wrapped around a tree and engulfed in flames. Only one thing could’ve caused a one-time favorite to fall so far: the debilitating form of unintentional career suicide that is … (wait for it) … gay sweaters!

That’s right. Bad sartorial advice from his advisors is to blame. At least in his mind. With campaign momentum dwindling and his fundraising in the red, McCain has reportedly gone off on an all-out diatribe that culminated with the Arizona senator accusing his staff of forcing him to don gay-looking sweaters in the hopes of making him seem like less of a relic.

Now McCain is lamenting the loss of his rugged appeal thanks to those infernal V-Necks with their subliminal homosexual vibes. Admittedly, his attire has been something of a running joke recently, but now even his own staff is wondering whether late-life dementia and megalomaniacal paranoia are taking their toll on him. Has he finally flipped? (more…)

The jowly Christian Fundamentalist Jerry Falwell had many a moment when his fanatical McCarthy-style crusade to stem the great Gay Menace pushed the limits of logic.

His paranoia reached its comic apex in his 1999 much-reviled diatribe against the phenomenally-successful British children’s series The Teletubbies. His target was the purple member of the ensemble Tinky Winky (seriously) whom he hilariously vilified as some sort of subliminal gay message.

Of course, when one demented bigot dies another usually takes his place. Enter Polish conservative Ewa Sowinska, a government-appointed media watchdog/children’s advocate who’s ready to assume Falwell’s mantle and crack down on the dangerous homosexual propaganda the Teletubbies brazenly trade in. (more…)

Goodbye baby — and amen!

“Like many fanatical preachers, Falwell was especially disgusting in exuding an almost sexless personality while railing from dawn to dusk about the sex lives of others.”
More Hitchens on Falwell

Erototoxins — that’s your word for the day.

Say it one hundred times:
e-ROT-o
[pause for maximum impact]
TOXINS!

Erototoxins are the latest in junk science from the ever incredible Religious Right.

According to Judith Reisman — a self-styled “expert” and anti-porn crusader — the recent shootings at Virginia Tech were all the result of violent video games and
cell-phone porn.

“Our mass media needs to stop celebrating mass killers and pandering sexual violence,” fumes Reisman — or “Dr.” Reisman as she likes to call herself.

In fact, she is in no way a medical doctor, or even a psychotherapist. She is a woman with a PhD in communication — that classic major of spokesmodels and celebrity pitchmen — who, like many in the Religious Right, insists on using the Dr. honorific before her name to suggest that she is something more than she is.

“A major lawsuit waits in the wings,” threatens the righteous spokesmodel, “if Virginia Tech has been a pornographic/erototoxic tolerant environment.”

A what environment? Oh we get it: it’s all because of those nasty pictures of people with no clothes on. (more…)