 
John Halcyon Styn may be a cocky bastard, but you'll find it hard not to like him when you discover what a charming bastard he is. His sites are funny, smart and surprisingly revealing. Thank him for his unrelenting extroversion, because he was kind enough to spend some time telling us about himself and his sites: Ann Will: Your sites are an incredible mix of humor, exhibitionism and introspection. Can you tell us what prompted you to bare all? Not that we're complaining or anything. Halcyon: The web has been an amazing vehicle for my personal growth. But that growth has been a gradual process involving me, my sites, and the people who read and respond to them. The digital relationship between myself and readers has been much like a tentative strip tease between lovers. I show a bit, they show a bit. We get comfortable with each other and share a little more.When I first showed a little bit of vulnerability, I got a gang of emails saying, "Me, too." When I exposed a less-than-flattering side of myself, people responded with, "we like that part about you, too." The positivity I receive is more than enough encouragement to shed the next layer. The more I bare (mentally and physically), the more intimate the responses. The more real I get, the more I feel I connect with people. It's been unbelievably liberating. Ann: One of the coolest features of Prehensile Tales is the pager. Any of your readers can send a throbbing message that touches you in 10 seconds. You write that some pages make you feel good. Halcyon: The pager is great. The web bulldozes the wall between content and creator, and the pager actually lets people touch me. I get down on myself and frustrated just like everybody. But it's amazing how quickly something as simple as "love your site" can pick me up a few levels on the mood meter. When someone pages me to say how much I touched them, it's like spiritual crack to me. Ann: How do you deal with the insulting pages? Halcyon: I'm pretty good at ignoring them. It's like they don't even register. My boss told me a great story about the Buddha: Someone was yelling insults at the Buddha. When there was a break in the yelling, Buddha asked, "If you bring me a gift, but I do not accept that gift, who then is in possession of that gift?" I try really hard to not accept negativity. Ann: We know you love pornography. And I notice that you say "I'm a political bisexual. I would have sex with a man. I just haven't found one I'm attracted to yet." (Can you hear the sound of hundreds of Nightcharm readers' eyebrows raising?) What are your reactions to the smut on Nightcharm? Halcyon: I love gay "smut." I envy the gay sexuality (or at least my understanding of it.) It is so much less confrontational than the traditional hetero, "My job is to try and score, your job is to stop me." Plus, I am very sensitive to "faking it" in porn. If the "I'm turned-on" acting isn't believable, or if I can see the terror behind the starlet's eyes, the fantasy is ruined for me. No matter how loud she might be screaming, "Oh, Baby," I still can't enjoy it if I sense she's not into it. But men's arousal has physical manifestations. Every woman knows how to fake an orgasm. It is much harder to fake an ejaculation. God bless the porn actors/actresses who love their work. Ann: I love the way you show your love for your family -- several members are featured on your pages. Does your mom really read your site? What does she say to you about it? Halcyon: Mom usually only reads when her friends say, "Did you see what your boy wrote this week!?" My dad only likes the really offensive stuff. The Family Circus Side-show is his favorite. My family is huge to me. My brother, folks, and grandparents all live within 20 minutes. If my cool-ass Cousin Tracy would just move a little closer than Alaska, my life would be close to perfect. There's lots of hugs in my family and lots of laughs. Ann: The hair, Halcyon. It's in a hat in your most recent pictures. Did you cut it? Halcyon: The hair is still long. But it's in grave danger. I've had long hair my entire adult life. I think it's time for a change. I just need to figure out a momentous way to do it. Maybe a scalping party for New Years 1999. Or maybe I'll see if Oprah needs any subjects to do a makeover on. But I'm definitely anxious about the change. I worry I'm too much like Sampson. Ann: I'd like to invite you to talk about the fall of Halycon macho and the rising estrogen. Is this trend continuing? Halcyon: I hope so! I love feeling comfortable with my feminine side. My gay friends call me "the most flaming straight man in America." I do pursue a bit of androgyny. But more than that, I'm trying to learn to embrace whatever feelings/desires I have. I don't want to shut them out because they're "sissy" or "uncool" or whatever. As I grow more comfortable with my sexuality, I am more open to all aspects of it, male and female. Ann: You talk about how you consume pornography and masturbate fervently. And you admit that maybe some of your pictures are "art as an excuse to parade around with my shirt off". What's your reaction to being the pornography, John? Halcyon: I love it. I love getting an email from someone explaining a fantasy they had about me or saying that they thought about me while masturbating. It's a little dose of my sexual energy surging beyond my physical being. The world should be more sexual. Not the sex-teasing that advertisers torture us with. Just more embracing of each other's sexual energy and the love (on whatever level) that occurs with intimacy. Ann: You say that self-publishing is a way to embrace your shadow side. What have you learned about yourself? Halcyon: I'm constantly leaning. I've learned that taking down my defenses can actually make me stronger. I've learned that honesty is a powerful force. Being honest is justification for almost anything. You can't control your brain's impulses. You shouldn't try. And when you allow those impulses to flow freely, you release a power much bigger than you. Ann: A running theme in your revealing site, Cockybastard, and in Lovesong at Riotgrrl is your loneliness and desire to find a lover. I found your honesty tender. In fact, the way you reveal bits of yourself, thoughts, and frustrations and funny things you think of or discover, reminds me of how people share with their lovers. Like the site is your lover. Halcyon: Except it's more than just an affair between me and the site itself. It's also a relationship with the people who read, laugh, and share back. I try to put as much of my energy into my sites as possible. And I receive it back ten-fold. I have endured some pretty lengthy spells of celibacy in the past few years. And I survived unscathed due to my sites. I experience many aspects of a relationship from them. I share love. I feel love. I expose weaknesses and get reassurance. I tell funny stories and get the email equivalent of flirtatious laughter and fingernails dragging down my arm. It makes the periods of sexlessness a little more bearable. But it doesn't diminish my body's need for physical touch and intimacy. If you ever see me around town, I can always use a hug.
all photos by Julian ©1999 |
