Previously:
Topped Chad
by Jim Provenzano
DOME-O ARIGATO
If you miss watching American Gladiators, but always wanted a higher octane to your sporn-erotica, the TV show Battle Dome fits the bill. With a larger flock of video game-inspired characters, Battle Dome expands the spectacle of corporo-sports.
A lot of annoying metallic audio effects accompany the machine font graphics between action in Battle Dome. Brief 60-second matches allow maximum commercial breaks of 240 seconds. Sponsors include Telepersonals, a polite version of phone sex.
Finding an honest depiction on the official Web proves problematic. Here's their take on their show:
"Battle Dome: an intense new extreme sports competition pitting two teams of amateur athletes (The Challengers) against a team of super athletes (The Battle Dome Warriors). Each one-hour program is a spectacle of raw, in-your-face, extreme physical competition."
They got the "raw" part right. A regular episode could politely be called "Bun-tastic!"
A fan describes one exposing event: "Robert Green got a massive wedgie from Cuda, who, from looking at the pictures, is really hungry for some of that stripper's ass!"
Cuda, the rasta-haired African-American warrior who usually proves victorious is a persistent pants-yanker, and yankee.
Oddly, one player who hasn't bared butt on the show has done it elsewhere, and often. DOA, aka Chad Ullery aka Chad Bannon, aka Dusty Mannings aka Todd Marshall, Advocate Men, Colt and Playgirl model, bikini model, and now, warrior. Chad Ullery's current bio fails to include these credits:
DOA: Height: 6'5" Weight: 280
The devil himself. Evil personified. His signature line, "Hate me," tells it all. He hurts people on and off the arena floor. DOA speaks monosyllabically, in raspy tones. You don't want to know what he does during his "off" hours.
Actually, we already know.
Unlike the Los Angeles Sparks, who have the honesty to finally directly target market lesbians, their greatest fan base, Battle Dome and other sporn entertainments want to reel gay guys in as long as the clueless ones don't figure it out. The dismissal of DOA's "past" subtextualizes the "nudge nudge wink wink" factor in the show and smacks DOA's naughty past upside our
collective head.
BITCH'S BACK (SIDE)
In a recent episode, DOA pummels a smaller shorts-clad studlet:
"You like that choke? You like that choke, you little bitch?" Sputters Rick Francisco about his bout with DOA, who'd pulled submission chokes on the contestant and humped him in an abrupt fashion.
Obviously, Mr. Ullery has dramatic experience, other than on Battle Dome, which, as is often repeated by promoters, is not rehearsed, not down to the last "Bitch!" depantsing and jockstrap snapping on a tilt-a-whirl of a platform.
In contrast to the backstage fictions, the fighting is anything but rehearsed, asserts the ripped host of Max Sport and Fitness magazine in a feature article about the amazing workout techniques of these enlarged entertainers.
But it ain't staged. Oh, no. "This is a tough series for the athletes who actually fight," asserts MaxMuscle.com, which shares the training regimens of the
show's performers, er, athletes. "Everything you see on Battle Dome is real. Nothing is choreographed, the broken bones, black eyes and the blood is 100% reality."
"The Battle Dome crew goes to lengths to keep the real names of the Warriors secret," notes MaxMuscle." Just like wrestling. But as time goes on, we'll undoubtedly learn more."
Those who see DOA as a familiar face know more. In Catalina's Behind the Barn Door, he enjoys the company of Bo Summers on both a poolside porn and in a bed. Bo offers amusement for those who enjoy seeing the little guy come out on top.
Yes, the Newlywed Game answer for Chad would be, "Up the butt, Bob."
In the solo video White Men With Big Dicks, Chad goes from pool, to kitchen, to fireplace, to fancy chair, where he achieves full tumult, then shaves his face in a bathroom. He also appeared in the gay porn flick Assume the Position,
where, no doubt, he did.
Meet the many sides of Chad. Ripped, flexed, straight, gay, drooping, stiff and topped.
WHORE / MADONNA
Crossover is not solely an American trend. A British actor, Kym Dalton, caused huge controversy in the early 90's as a contestant on the UK version of Gladiators. He developed a huge teenage following, but it didn't stop him appearing in porno mags both straight and gay. Porn performers both veteran and sophomoric have crossed over in a variety of ironic entities.
Mr. Ullery, however, did not seem to enjoy an early entry, and his after his abrupt departure from porn settled into bikini ads, fitness training and stripping in Denver.
His clothed theatrical debut is perhaps now lost. Kill Madonna, a video filmette by a Cory Chambers, is described as "a wild ride into the harsh reality of four, young gay men on an obscene mission of partying and sex. Some will find naked ecstasy; others will find a violent demise in this new, unique thriller."
Unique in that it fell off the face of the earth. Kill Madonna does not include the titled act, but is low, low, low-budget murder mystery.
Unfortunately, Mr. Chambers' Web presence has become another mystery, possibly in part from Madonna Ciccone's power, or just the fact that based on the stills, the video is simply inept.
What are fans of Chad Ullery "naked ecstasy" to do?
To see Chad live somewhere in LA, contact the show's site, which features broadcast schedules.
To see him work out, Venice is a good place to start. That's Venice, California.
Allow Max Sports mag gush again: "Chad Ullery is intimidating as hell with his (sic) go-tee, side burns, and a tattoo that covers most of his back. One look at him and you know exactly why the producers came up with the name DOA....On Tuesdays and Thursdays, you can see the entire Battle Dome gang being trained by Tito Raymond."
Fellow co-stars Christian Boeving and Michael O'Hearn work out there as well, and have posed nearly nude elsewhere. But they've never been brave enough to get plowed like hardy Chad.
Is Battle Dome an ass-happy retread of American Gladiators or a 'roided out Starlight Express, with DOA's resume just a tad more sexual than the others? At least Gladiators had Turbo, who told Michael Musto from The Village Voice he was gay. Unfortunately, he left the show soon afterward.
Unlike AG, Battle Dome may never have gay action figures. DOA's could be a retroactive Billy Doll. Knowing Chad's taken a weenie up that p
erfect backside makes him likable, despite the show's duplicity.
Full-service gay actors like Chad are rare. Send a thank you to UPN for broadcasting this panoply of popos and diverting depantsings. Let's have more Ciccolina entries from porn to politics and entertainment. If a Colt model can be the mayor of West Hollywood, why not J.T. Sloan as Ambassador to Canada, Blue Blake as Australian condom Commissar, or Chad Ullery in Hercules, the Real Adventures?
Jim Provenzano writes Sports Complex for the Bay Area Reporter, and is the author of PINS, the acclaimed novel about gay wrestlers. For more sports literature at its best, visit his website -- in the sport where butt play is simply called "checking the oil."
