Arse & All

by Jim Provenzano


On April 1, 2001, Australian rugby player John Hopoate (pronounced "hop-o-wotty") announced his resignation from the West Tigers club. His resignation followed widespread publicity after the National Rugby League judiciary a week before handed down a 12-match suspension for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Hopoate, a winger, was suspended for jabbing his fingers into North Queensland players' anuses.

"I sincerely regret that anything I may have done has caused stress, anxiety and disappointment to everyone involved with the West Tigers," said Hopoate in a press statement. He didn't say anything about the stress on the anuses of his opponents. The burly Australian, born in Tonga, probably has very thick fingers.

"I am distressed to think that I have been the center of controversy creating intense media attention that has reflected adversely on the image and morale of the Wests Tigers Club."

To say nothing of being the butt of jokes worldwide. "The Vilest Act Ever!" spews reactionary Web site, Sportal.com. One Aussie newspaper cartoon depicts a ref being asked about how to "clean up the sport" in light of the anal incident. The ref's retort: "Rubber gloves for players."

In a recent Fox video clip, Hopoate is seen lying on the ground as an opponent squats over him, presenting what to any fired-up gent might seem a ripe target of friendly horseplay. Hopoate quickly thrusts two fingers up and around the edge of his opponent's shorts, apparently in an effort to upset the guy, or demean his manhood.

Fingered

Having had his digital entry captured on Fox Sports hastened the most recent scolding from sports officials. Hopoate's career is spotted with drunken fights, rough conduct on and off the field, and two other incidences of anal probes. Before a strong career with the Wests Tigers, he played for the Manly Eagles. Hopoate said his resignation had been accepted, and he would make no further comment on the matter.

"My only request is that my family and I be left to get over the events of this traumatic week and our privacy be respected," he told the press through his manager, a Mr. Wayne Beavis. Yes, after finger-fucking opponents on the field and on national television, a man deserves his private time.

Wests Tigers coach Terry Lamb had to explain why he and his players laughed at footage of Hopoate jamming his fingers up the backside of Dragons player Craig Smith. As the club was poised to sack Hopoate, Lamb told "The Sun-Herald" he thought the dirty tactics were "funny" when he saw footage at a club video session. Lamb and his team were increasingly amused as they watched the Smith incident several times.

"We thought it was just a gee-up," said Lamb. Readers may feel free to offer other examples of "gee-ups." I can think of a few. Mr. Lamb, however, has also been canned in light of his not admonishing Mr. Hopoate for his cornholing habits.

Two others players on the Wests team, Craig Field and Kevin McGuinness, have also faced heavy fines, but not for butt abuse. No, they're just drug addicts. How boring.

Prostatement

NRL judiciary commissioner Jim Hall described Hopoate's case as the worst he had experienced in his 45-year involvement in rugby league. "I've never come across a more disgusting allegation than I've had to deal with now," he said. Apparently, he's never attended some of the rugby parties, where well-documented nudity and pranks are de rigeur. Hopoate, 27, was found guilty on three separate counts of deliberately sticking his fingers up the anuses of Peter Jones, Paul Bowman and Glenn Morrison in a match at Dairy Farmers Stadium.

Hopoate, a former Australian Test winger, insisted he was merely trying to give Jones and Morrison a wedgie in order to perform a quick play-the-ball. Asked by his counsel Bernie Gross QC where he was directing his finger at Bowman, the Cowboys captain, Hopoate replied: "Between his arse and his nuts." Hopoate maintained he did nothing wrong in administering the wedgies and went on to say: "I'm a great believer in what happens on the field should stay there."

Does this mean he advocates public sex? With documentation of the plentitude of de-pantsed ruggers littering the Internet, one would think such sporny behavior is quite a crowd-pleaser. But having your pants ripped off is not an invitation to pokey penetration. It hardly seems enjoyable to the pokee.

Wedgie High

Asked to describe what a wedgie felt like, the Tigers winger replied: "You get a burning sensation. Your undies are getting reefed up your arse." Hopoate's defense counsel contended to Jones that his client had merely administered a "wedgie" on the Cowboy in the seventh minute of the match.

"It wasn't a wedgie. That's when your pants are pulled up your arse. I think I know the difference between a wedgie and someone sticking their finger up my bum," said Jones. While both acts caused discomfort, they caused different sensations and he could differentiate between the two.

In the end, the NRL Judiciary had little trouble differentiating between a "wedgie," a "finger up the arse" and the area between the "arse and the nuts" before finding Hopoate guilty. The kangaroo court did not proffer video footage of the re-enactments, exhibits or displays of the injured bums, but no doubt they amused the council of undoubtedly repressed crones, who were probably envious of such sporty prostate exams.

Despite having become a bum legend, Hopoate has been stunned by the enormity of his actions, asking his closest mates: "Why is this happening? I thought it was just a joke."

Yes, it is, especially in a sport where scrums include ball-grabbing, shorts-ripping tussles between hunky chunky men with rumps like sides of beef. This is a sport where ripping a man to the ground by his ears or mouth is rarely called by refs, where padding is only what's on your body, and helmetcams and other XFL gimmicks aren't needed, as the action never stops, even in the after-match hot tubs and locker rooms. But dare to wiggle a digit up a muscled butt, and you're outta here!

Hello, Sailor

Another player, Wendell Sailor, says he complained to a judge and warned Hopoate that his fickle finger would get him into trouble three weeks before his tribunal. Sailor had been "jabbed" by Hopoate when the Broncos played West Tigers at ANZ Stadium.

"At first I was very surprised," Sailor told the Aussie press of his own encounter with a Hopoate digit. "I had to have a look (who did it) and it was Hoppa. He he just stood there and smiled at me. I looked at him and said 'What are you doing?' The second time he did it to (teammate) Mick De Vere and I complained to the touch judge and he was laughing about it again. I think he got me a third time and after that I said: 'You're kidding, mate. You're going to get into trouble.' It's one of those things, If you say something and the judge or the ref doesn't say anything, you just don't know what to say as a player. But I didn't appreciate getting sodomized anyway."

No, Hoppa should limit his pokes to consenting sodomees. Whether this behavior is simply his technique of distracting opposing players or a distinct form of athletic sexual obsession may never be known. While fulfilling a form of violation fantasy to easily eroticized fans, Hoppa's digital digging may have more to do with simple rude horseplay.

Former player Paul Harragon, a sports writer for "The Newcastle Herald," recalled a similar incident in his autobiography, "One Perfect Day," when a player refused to report an anal intrusion. "What was he going to do? It would have been different if he had a bite mark to produce, but he could hardly ask the referee to dust the area for fingerprints."

Indeed, such investigations usually serve to only further humiliate the victims. While amusing to a point, unchecked, the potential for further assaults becomes less salacious and more disturbing. Perhaps Mr. Hopoate should deal with his anal obsession off the field, despite the on-field depth of our collective fantasies.



Jim Provenzano writes Sports Complex for the Bay Area Reporter, and is the author of PINS, the acclaimed novel about gay wrestlers. For more sports literature at its best, visit his website -- in the sport where butt play is simply called "checking the oil."