If you're buying an amateur video, you expect less because you pay less. If you buy the latest $79.95 big-budget bonanza, you damn well better get your money's worth. There had better be great looking men, having fantastic sex in beautiful locales, with dead-on music, lighting, and sound to boot.

9. A Box Cover By Any Other Name...

Let's say you are a closeted gay male. Not closeted enough to be afraid to cruise by your local gay video store, but closeted enough not to want to return a crappy video because you're too ashamed.

You, my friend, are the target audience for the great "bait and switch." In other words, don't judge a video by its cover. Generally speaking, a video studio will highlight a particular actor, or scene, on a box cover (often in the most flattering light possible). Be warned, things are not always what they seem. If something looks even the slightest bit shabby, it probably is. If there isn't a cast or director listed, skip it. Better yet, do some research on the Internet to find out if the video is really to your liking. Crappy videos with great box covers will continue to be produced so long as people are afraid to return videos because they are ashamed.

Sounds like a Julia Roberts line from Pretty Woman. Have all hints of eroticism fled gay porn like rats on a sinking ship? Why aren't there any more lip-locking scenes in videos? Afraid your chapstick will smear? Bad breath? Tongue might snag on your retainer? Please tell us, we're dying to know. While we're on the subject, what about touching or groping? When did sex only include mouth to dick, and dick to ass contact? Don't men fondle each other anymore? Whatever happened to heavy petting?

7. Shaving, Buffing, Tanning, Coiffing...

Puking. Let's not blame Falcon Studios and their notorious "car wash" for everything. That wouldn't be fair. Though the company is known for its overly shaved, coiffed, buffed, and tanned models that never seem to have a hair, nor tanline, out of place. Giving Falcon their fair due, the company has done a lot for the advancement of adult video, it's just that their homogenized line of men, however attractive they may be, tend to become anonymous blurs after a while, only because everyone has the Falcon "look."

These superhuman porn gods, who also never seem to drip lubricant anywhere, do have their qualities. Why watch ugly, freaky looking men having mediocre sex, when you can watch the Falcon parade of beautiful men having mediocre sex?

6. Mute Mannequins

We're not asking for men who scream at the top of their lungs, "yes, yeess, yeeesss, YESSSSS..." All