Keith's Top10 Recommended Videos That ReallyRock

1. The Bigger The Better ............................. 2. These Bases Are Loaded ............................. 3. Sailor In The Wild ..................................... 4. A Matter Of Size ..................................... 5. JarHead ..................................... 6. French Connections I & II ..................................... 7. Big Guns ..................................... 8. Flesh & Blood ..................................... 9. The Other Side Of Aspen II ..................................... 10.The Caller .....................................

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we want is that men talk, squeal, or make any sort of sound indicating that they haven't lapsed into a coma. Granted, it must be tough having sex in front of upwards of ten or more people, but hell, if you can get naked, whip your dick out and get hard, then you can certainly make a few sounds fall out of your mouth.

5. Porn Stars

When a model is popular enough to qualify as a certifiable "porn star," you're in trouble. While there haven't been any major league players since in the early '90s, a few porn dinosaurs, such as Jeff Stryker and Ryan Idol, still lumber the earth. The idolization of these men, who are revered for their monosyllabic grunting and complete lack of charm, only leads one to wonder: Do gay men simply have incredibly horrible standards?

4. Pokey Plots

For every well-crafted story that incorporates blisteringly hot sex, there are fifty videos with lame plots and boring fuck scenes. In addition, there are those videos which are so plot-heavy, the sex becomes the least important thing in the video. Word to the wise: Sex should be one of the most important things, if not the most important thing in a porn video.

But what about the plot? We're not saying that the actors have to recite Shakespeare. Nor does a video have to have car chases or explosions. Look at it this way, if a mainstream Hollywood director can assemble a high-quality, profitable film on a shoestring budget (i.e. Swingers, El Mariachi, Clerks, or Pi) then those talented gay porn directors should be able to scrape together a good video, too.

3. Limpy Whimpies & Sores For Site Eyes

Understandably, it is difficult to remain erect for video shoots that can go on for an entire afternoon. But does the camera have to catch this on film? If the director sees a limp dick, why don't they chop that out of the final cut? A semi-erect penis is acceptable to a certain extant -- no one expects any performer to remain rock hard throughout an entire video, but completely limp whangs are unacceptable.

In addition, why don't people use Band-Aids or creative clothing placement when an actor has a strange wound or weird looking sore on their body? Blech.

2. Suspicious Spontaneity

Are those hot men really going at it with gonzo gusto on their own accord? Or are they being prodded by some crazed director behind the camera. (Bet your money on the latter.)

As much as we'd like to believe that most of the folks that we see on screen are legitimately being spontaneous, the reality is that most scenes are planned out to the last detail. Some directors do give their actors a brief outline as to what action they want to see, and then let the performers go at it. But a majority of directors map out every last detail, so much so that what could have been a heated scene ends up being a lukewarm mechanical sequence.

1. Animatronic Actors

Face it, most gay porn actors have the verve of zombies. Is there a law somewhere that states that men must not exhibit even the slightest tinge of excitement while having sex? How many more zoned-out faces will the buying public have to endure before someone wakes up and realizes that bored-looking pretty boys are no fun to watch?

This is not to say that occasionally you'll find some actors who look like they are having a good time. But, there are a number of performers, who shall remain nameless, who go so far out of their way to yelp, scream, and contort their faces into a million expressions, it's hard to believe that they aren't faking every second of it.

Well then, what does the public want? Believable performances. Yes, you can fake it, that's fine. But don't overdo it. You're not auditioning for the lead in "Showgirls." At the other end of the spectrum, don't lay there like a dead carp.